being with you has opened my eyes / could i ever believe such a perfect surprise

prologue

what is the definition of insanity?

it was the question she spent years begging an answer for. was it not shedding a single tear at her grandfather's funeral and memorizing vocabulary to stay top of the class? was it sitting calmly next to her anguished grandmother who felt the need to comfort her, unaware that she was the one stuck on the stairs, unable to make herself move as her grandfather stared at her in a puddle of blood, calling to her in a weak, croaky voice?

she flipped the page of her textbook, working on the next set of problems as she heard the door across the hall open.

or was it holding on to her mother's arm, helping her father haul her into the apartment so she could rest after the long funeral, playing the part of the dutiful daughter helping her grieving mother?

what a fucking joke.

"i'm going out," called her mother, probably off to meet the chairman that she was definitely doing more than just business with. it was easier for her to pretend not to know; it wasn't as if her mom would stop if she had come out and confronted her about it. it was better to leave her to do what she wanted as long as she didn't do anything to disrupt her daily life.

not that her mother hadn't already committed that offense twice before.

"see you tomorrow," she called back, knowing damn well her mother would be spending the night doing god knows whatever.

her mother paused, her shadow against her doorframe. "what makes you think i won't be back by tomorrow?"

eunbyeol turned, giving her mother a huge grin. "i know your meetings go until very late so i'll probably be in bed by the time you get back," she smiled sweetly, tilting her head the way she always did to appease her mother. "you look very tired these days so make sure to sleep well tonight."

bullshit. her mother had never looked happier and alive than these past few months since she met that chairman. it wasn't hard for eunbyeol to tell when her was getting involved with someone. because in the times when seojin was alone, the memories would come back, she would slip into a daze, her eyes looking fatigued after a sleepless night with nightmares.

nightmares worse than eunbyeol's. assailants have more to be guilty about than the witnesses. but eunbyeol thought it was different for her and her mother.

seojin seemed satisfied with her answer but her eyes lingered for a second the way they always did, before telling her to do well on the performance exam tomorrow. eunbyeol stared at her mother, never dropping her smile, as she slipped on her tallest heels and closed the door.

eunbyeol slapped the textbook shut and stood up, stalking over to her bookshelf, and her face became gaunt again.

she picked up the photo frame hidden behind all her sheet music, as the three people came into view: her father on her right, smiling the brightest, the happiest she had ever seen him. his daughter had won first place in the teen division in a classical singing competition after all. and there she was in the middle, in a pink gown, holding her flowers, beaming. her mother took left, in a gorgeous white dress with red flower patterns, looking regal, as korea's most beloved primadonna posed next to her daughter, a rising star.

eunbyeol stared at the frame expressionlessly, no nostalgia, no regret, and no pain revisiting her. the last funeral she went to, she spent the entire time memorizing english words. this funeral, she had skipped altogether.

she hid the frame again, her left hand instinctively coming up to rub her hair vigorously.

what makes a person insane?

what makes someone lose all humanity?

how far do i have to go until i have a clear answer?