Vlad the Incurser

Pundits and armchair shrinks think I'm marbleless

Such conjecture is overly moronic

Just cause I have the charm of a python's caress

They claim I'm malevolently Napoleonic

Someone once labeled me a morality cancer

Described me as a vampire camouflaged in human drag

I smoothly gave my opinionated mom an appropriate answer

Her new zip code's in a frozen Siberian gulag

Recently, I'd been battling deep depression

And I knew there was only one remedy to rely upon

Acquire foreign real estate via naked aggression

Give my rapacious ego lots more "Lebensraum"

Now I have no racial hatred toward Ukrainians

Our stature and complexions hardly vary

One major difference is the topping of our craniums 

Mine's mostly scalp and theirs' generally hairy

And I'm not really defensive about lacking height

You'll find surviving disputants few in number

My teen growth spurt just got delayed a mite

I hope to be capable of dunking in Kyiv this summer

So far this incursion isn't how I wanted it to be

I prefer lots of labor-ready slaves to useless corpses

Damned Ukrainians must learn to take a knee

Show the world how to gracefully accept harnesses

And what's with all the international consternation

About a few "limited incursion"  sporting events?

Things happen with young men on spring break vacation

Vigorously touring churches, mosques, synagogues, and convents

My boys were warmly received by Ukrainian society

Cocktails and explicit suggestions for sexual satisfaction

Unfortunately, the cocktails were of the Molotov variety

And the sexual suggestions no male's equipped to act on

Lately, my critics have begun to claim I'm isolated

Without the benefit of cellphone and the internet

They say that means I might be mentally constipated

Ha! I don't need tweets and Tik Tok to be politically perfect

I know all I have to do to cow the West

Is merely mumble something about nuclear Armageddon

Vaunted NATO climbs right back into mommy's nest

Every time I verbally get a hard-on

I'm a little angry about my stalled 40-mile-long tank convoy

Halted by some trivial highway toll gate matter

Unable it's overwhelming death and destruction to employ

Because the leading tanker doesn't have a quarter

Limited people misjudge my motivations

Attribute my ruthlessness to having been KGB

Ha! I quit that sissified outfit out of career frustration

That lifestyle was too tame and regulated for me

The KGB had far too elaborate  a hierarchy

There was very little room for individual aspiration

Encaged by that bureaucratic malarky

It'd have been difficult to singlehandedly ruin all creation