The real help

Part 1: The start of everything

when you have to live life as a trauma surviver, nothing is never easy. From emotions to not being able to take care of your self it becomes a lot. However, you know a lot more about things that are- mindless and pointless to know because you had to become creative at one point. The positives are good though. When you feel good after feeling so bad for so long can feel like a breath of fresh air, and they can make you feel like you've never had depression before. Dont get me wrong its good, but its only good for so long. And thats when the negative side starts to show. You start feeling like your trapped in a box and the only one that can let you out is you but that memory of trying to get out gets held in a secret lock box in your brain and nobody can have it until your already out of the episode. You start telling yourself that its okay but you know its not but you have to some how pick your self up off the ground and collect all the little broken pieces of yourself so you can put yourself back together. As someone who has been doing that exact thing for 10 years it gets very exhausting after the first decade. Ive described it as i feel as though someone is in my brain controling me from the inside. Like someone else is putting shitty thoughts in my waves of thought. Like someone else is making me say the hurtful things i say to people sometimes. My emotions dont even feel like they are my own anymore but somehow i have to make my brain see that its not me wanting to think those things but someone or something else. Anyways back to what i was saying before i felt like i was falling in a rabbit hole. Trauma does sucks but not like you think it does. Somethings are worse then others. Like for example:
  You always questions weather your wanted around, or panic attacks are embarrassing as hell and take too much energy, Having someone ask you all the time if your okay or if you feel like shit, and the worst part for me, being around people i don't even know and or being left somewhere alone.
   

                                                               PART 2: Learning how to deal with the trauma

     Knowing you have trauma and dealing with it is very different. Knowing you have trauma is like knowing you have to go to work the next day and the day after that, dealing with trauma is ugly and most of the time you wont like it and it will hurt but learning to talk about it with a profesional or somebody you can trust can make a difference in your life. For example, and im going to use a personal one, when i was young maybe 9 almost ten, DHS gave me and my sister to our father that hadnt been present in my life til that day. When we went there me and my sister were happy. We went places, got to go to the park, hangout with the neighbor kids, etc. Maybe 4 months of that lasted before my sperm doner decided to go back to his ways. And i know theres a thing called the honey moon stage and im pretty sure thats what is was because everything i knew about my fater before we moved in with him was that he had done alot of time in prison and he wasnt trusted around teenagers. The 5th month of us living there he started drinking really bad again. He starting questioning if we were really taking showers or just standing there and he would spank us, 5 times hard and we werent aloud to make a sound or there was more. He made me sit outside in the summer time and id have to soke a whole pack of cigarettes before i could come back inside. That and pick the little yellow flowers that are weeds in the hot hot sun. There was alot that had happened that i dont wanna put on here but there was alot. Because of that experience ive learned that not all people are good no matter if there family or not and i learned that i was stronger then him the whole time. Being able to talk about this all comfortablely has taken me 10 years however i will not talk about it unless im asked questions about it.

            Now i am brought to my concusion of my short story.

     
Not everyone is able to ask for help, Know your not an inconvenince. If you need to talk to anyone about anything or need help getting past something traumatic contact me at

My email is: ninjathomas651@gmail.com
My main line is: (509) 318-8462
When you answer ask for Sam. Thank you for reading!