A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an asshole!
There is a redhead, a blonde, and a brunette each have a shotgun with 2 bullets. They make a fire. Then the redhead gets up and goes hunting. She comes back with 2 rabbits. The other two say, "Wow, where did you get that?" She says, "I found tracks. I followed tracks. I saw rabbits. Rabbits ran. I shot. Rabbits stopped." Then the blonde leaves and comes back with a deer. The other two say, "Wow, Where did you get that?" She says, "I found tracks. I followed tracks. I saw deer. Deer ran. I shot. Deer stopped." The brunette leaves and comes crawling back, all bloodied and black and blue. They others say, "Wow, where did you get that?" She says, "I found tracks. I followed tracks. I saw train. Train ran. I shot. Train didn't stop."
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
A substitute teacher is starting her 1st day at a new school. She is taking attendance when a boy walks in a few seconds late. He says "my name is Matt. sorry I'm late. Every morning I go down to the creek & throw pebbles in the water until school starts." The teacher excuses him. A minute later, a second student walks in.The teacher asks, "who are you & why are you late?" The student replies "my name in Ben. I was down at the creek, tossing pebbles into the water. I didn't notice the time. Sorry." The teacher shakes her head. A minute later, a 3rd kid walks in. "And who are you?? And why are YOU late??!"The kid, out of breath and breathing hard, says "I'm John. I was down by the creek throwing pebbles in the water. I like to see how big a splash I can make." The teacher, flabbergasted, also excuses him—but says "I know tossing pebbles in the creek can be fun, and the bigger splashes pebbles make are cool to watch, but please watch the clock next time so you are not late for school."A 4th kid walks into the classroom. He is drenched with water, his clothes are wet & muddy. His hair is soaked, he's dripping all over the floor. The class bursts into laughter. Without hesitation, the teacher says "Ok!! I know you were down at the creek. I know what you were doing. I don't have a problem with it.Just dry off, take a seat, and give me your name." The boy, who is about to hyperventilate, yells "My name is Pebbles."
Don't be racist! Be like Mario. He's an Italian plumber created by Japanese people, who speaks English and looks like a Mexican. ... jumps like a black man and grabs coins like a jew.
