There is something pure, something almost holy, about his work. He is no miracle worker- this he acknowledges with humbleness not typical in the average teenager, especially not teenage boys. His work could save all of humanity, if it succeeds. He doesn't understand why people aren't more willing to help; despite his pleas to his (adoptive) family, he isn't allowed to rally the spirits of the participants. He thinks it's shamefully really, as he's sure he could rally up some support from the participants.
While he does want to help the world out, because that's really all he dreams about, he wants to be with more people his own age too. For a few minutes, he wants to be free of the labs and sickness and death that seem to cling to him like a tight shirt. He wants to run through the city streets at night while hollering, not giving a damn about the vows and oaths he undertook when he was still small. All of the putting himself last could halt for a minute, which is honestly the only amount of time he needs to make closure with the fact that this is his life.
But honestly, he is glad that this is his life. He has the world's materials at his disposal, allowing him to do as he pleases when he wishes. His labs are private and alone, waiting on him and only him to begin muttering and tinkering around in them. He has respect and fame, although he kicks his ego down so that he remains humble to both the organization and the pledges he took. He understands that this is the reason he cannot have friends or dates. Thomas has come to terms with the fact that his virginity pledge will always remain pure, although he's glad of that fact since sex is apparent distracting and unsafe. He will always remain pure, unless it's decided by some higher-up that he should not be.
He wonders if, by the time he is Janson's age, he'll be able to live a relatively normal life. He thinks about a normal life, trying to picture what that would even look like. He imagines a small apartment, perhaps shared with a wife or husband, with a small library and running water that isn't the color of dirt. Thomas would rather focus his daydreams about a future free of the Flare- because he tries to stay real with himself, and he knows the Flare will always be around- with a more unrealistic ending, one where he lives in a small house. In his fantasies, he has a spouse, and they live together in the woods with no neighbors around. He and his spouse- he has no real preference for one gender of another- live a good life, with plenty of good touching and tasty food.
Thomas wonders what other people think about. Do they wonder about the way their partner feels when they kiss for the first time, or do they worry solely about the Flare? Do they think about having kids, or do they think about ending everything before the next sunrise? Do they wonder about the stars that glow brightly at night, or do they wonder about the wasteland that they call home? What do the boys from the Maze think about?
Thomas pales as soon as that thought enters his head, and the thought makes him tremble. Trying his best to steady himself, Thomas counts to ten, the only calming trick he's ever been taught. He has been told to not even think about them as humans, but rather as science experiments with no deeper thought. Thomas knows they have no emotions or thoughts; Janson warned him back when he was little that the experiments seemed human but had no emotions or thoughts, and Janson never lied to Thomas. Thomas knows better than to see them as people with thoughts and dreams and hopes; if he sees them as being like him, he might disrupt everything. He might grow sentimental, and there is no room for sentiment at W.I.C.K.E.D. Thomas cannot even be close to his family, as his feelings for them could be distracting.
Besides, it's not like his family is really a family. There is just someone there to clean his dorm and lab. A different person makes him dinner and makes sure that he has all his proper nutrients. A different family members washes his clothing and gives him new books. Another family member escorts him around the premise, although the family member never tells his name to Thomas or try to make conversation with him. His aunt, a stern woman named Lyle, talks to him each week about how he feels and asks questions about his work. The most important family members are Uncle Janson and Grandmother Paige- Thomas refuses to call Grandmother by her first name, although he's not sure why he feels that way. Thomas only talks to three family members often, and they stress not growing attached to them, so he does not.
