Harry Potter And The Sorcerer's Stone Spoof

Chapter One The Boy Who Was Hanging On To Life By A Thread Part 1

Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number 4,285,747,856,865, Pervert Drive, were unhappy to say that they were totally the weirdest, strangest people on Earth. They were the last people you'd expect to be illegally smuggling money across the border, but no one's perfect.

Mr. Dursley was the manager of a warehouse called Gummybears, which made, sour worms. He was a short, skinny dude with a neck like a giraffe. His goatee was always cut neatly. Mrs. Dursley was a chubby ginger, and had a neck that looked like it was sliced off and set back on her head. It was impossible to see her neck under her double chins. Suprisingly, she was a proffesional stalker. Her scrapbook and photo album were full of pictures of people she took in town when they weren't looking. Once, she was caught looking through binoculars at a shirtless 15 year old boy across the street. Together, the Dursleys had a large son named Dudley and in their opinion, there wasn't a finer boy in the universe.

The Dursleys had almost everything they wanted, but one thing they didn't have, was assurance that their greatest secret wouldn't be revealed.

They didn't think they could stand it if anyone found out about the Potters. Mrs. Potter was Mrs. Dursley's sister, but they hadn't talked to each other ever since Mrs. Dursley got married. Mrs. Dursley pretended that her sister and her horrible crap-pile for a husband had died many years ago. The Dursleys shuddered at the thought of the Potters showing up to their house one day. The Potters had a small son too, but he had never been seen, nor did Dudley need to.

When Mr. and Mrs. Dursley woke up on a bright, sunny Thorsday, our story starts. Nothing at all about the sunny sky suggested that mysterious things would be soon happening all over the country. Mr. Dursley picked out his bright, glowing, neon pink suit for work that day. He walked downstairs too see Mrs. Dursley gambling with their 2 year old son Dudley. "Do I look fat in this suit babe," Mr. Dursley said to his wife. "No, hurry along and get your Starbucks honey," she replied back.

None of them noticed Batman fly past the window.

At a quarter till 9, Mr. Dursley picked up his man-purse, made out with his wife, and tried to arm wrestle with his son. His son was fast asleep, so he left out the door. Mr. Dursley got into his limo and left number 4,285,747,856,865's drive. It was in the middle of driving down the highway, that he noticed something odd. A tiger reading a map. Mr. Dursley didn't realize what he saw until he did a double-take. There was a tiger, but no map. He laughed at himself. How could he have thought something so ridiculous. He pulled over and jumped out of his car. "Who are you," Mr. Dursley shouted. The tiger only growled at him. He sighed and got back into the limo. Mr. Dursley tried to push the creepy tiger to the back of his mind. He hoped to make a large shipment of sour worms today.

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Ok, I know it's boring, but this is just the book's introduction. I hope you like it and keep reading. There's more to come soon. Thank You.