The affair

I should've seen it coming

Working during the holiday's has its natural sense of gloominess. Now, working in a hospital during the holidays; that's a special recipe for disaster. It was my first holiday season at this hospital and for someone who waits around all year for Christmas time, it was particularly heart wrenching to be away from my family. Coming fresh off a heartbeat, that was the nail in the coffin. Being a newcomer at a hospital is always difficult. No one knows your name, half the staff doesn't acknowledge your existence and most of the patients want to attack you. The work days are full of awkward stares and intermittent moments of fearing you're going to be sucker punched at any minute.  Being at home meant facing my heartbreak and being at work meant constantly being hazed. I was never much of an outdoors person but during those months I might've just sold my left kidney to buy a cabin in the middle of nowhere.

I started off my day as usual; wake up at 5:00 a.m., have coffee, eat breakfast in the car on my way to work and get there early enough to try to get a new assignment. The thing was that I was new and no matter how early I got to work, I still got the crappy units. Still, I tried getting there early everyday in hopes that would change.

I get to the office and see my supervisor from hell. A bitter middle aged women who was power hungry and hated anyone who was a female. Without even looking up and making eye contact with me she barks out my assignment. "Thank you" I reply with the best forced genuine looking smile I can.

I sat in my car listening to Taylor Swift and dreaded the inevitable hard day I was going to have. I muster up the strength I need to get out of the car and walk to my unit. Every morning I saw clicks of people and felt envious that they had someone there in the trenches with them. I had a support system I could talk to about work outside of work and although that meant the world to me, it feels different having someone who lives through it everyday like you do.

I walked into the nurses station and saw the queen bee click was conversing right away. The thing about hospitals (like I assume most work places are) is that it's basically high school all over again. You have the pretty girls that look like they threw on scrubs after walking off the Victoria Secret runway, you have the queen bee's/veterans who practically run the hospital, you have the misfits who are always late and make mistakes but they're charming enough to get away with murder. And then you have the chum, the new people, the outcasts, the ones that back been blacklisted but the entire hospital. 

"You're back" the charge nurse said to me. "I am" I said again with another fake smile. Sometimes I felt like I could win an Oscar for all my fake "genuine" smiles. "You're on the 3rd round" she said and then swiftly turned around and started speaking in her foreign language with the other queen bees. "Thank you" I replied on my way out.

I start making my rounds and making sure everyone is alive. I'm slowly becoming familiar with the patients and that's about the best part of my job so far. I'd worked at many hospitals before and had swam in some rough waters but there was a particular coldness about this job. I always felt on edge and on guard. I knew at any moment any one of my coworkers would throw me under the bus. I never mistook friendliness for being actual friends.

I was pushing my supplies along in a cart when I eyes locked with eyes I'd never seen before. However they felt shockingly familiar, it was a feeling I'd never known before. I had an overwhelming desire to get to know these opal eyes that were staring back at mine.

"Hello". I snap back to reality to see the opal eyes belong to the most beautiful person I'd ever seen. And she was talking to me. I had processed her greeting and realized it was taking me much too long to respond but my words felt frozen.

"Hey" I finally get a reply out. I get no further introduction but I do get a warm smile and a longer gaze. A few seconds later she walks away and continues her own rounds. I snap out of this confusing interaction and get back to work as well. I tried to go about my morning without any distractions but I couldn't help but feel like gravity was pulling me to find out more about the women with the beautiful eyes. I decided to wait until the end of the shift to try to initiate conversation as we were after all in charge of human lives.

An hour before the end of shift I grabbed my charts and headed for the break room, by a stroke of luck or faith as I opened the door there she was. She quickly looked up at me and smiled again. She had the type of smile that was so familiar but so unique all at once. The type of smile that would make you feel at home.

"Are you new?" I blurt out. Realizing we don't even know each other's names and there I was just spitting out whatever word vomit I could.

"No I've been here for almost 11 years." She replies. "11 years? Holy shit and you're not jaded?" I asked shocked. Most people I knew who had worked here for 5+ years walked around like zombies. And get there she was 11 years into the job and she was by far the nicest person to me at this hospital in the 5 months since I had started working here.

"Okay, what's your secret?" I asked. She giggled slightly and finally took her eyes off the paperwork she has been working on and looked at me. Every time her eyes met with mine it felt like a treat; a feeling I think I'll always hold as true.

"No secret, I guess it's just who I am?" She  replied.

"Well in that case I'm pretty amazed with who you are." I blurted it out and instantly felt embarrassed. I was typically a very confident person. This new sense of nervousness around this new nurse I had only just met felt extremely foreign.

"I'm Becca by the way, nice to meet you." She added.

Becca- I loved the warmness I felt when I heard her name. I think now is a good time to add that I've never believed in any of this love at first sight-Ryan gosling-white horse type of thing. In fact, I'd even add that at this point in my life was a bit pessimistic about love. My thought was always not if it was going to end but *when it was going to end.

"I'm Kelsey" I replied.

"See you around Kelsey" Becca said as she picked up her charts and headed back to the nurses station.

Little did I know this interaction would change both of our lives.