idfk what im doing with my life

hahaaaaaa fuck

sooo..... whats up?

obviously im not a people person

anyways

idk what im doing with this but im bored so i figured "why not"

so im moving up into the next grade soon and that involves going to a completely new school with a shit ton of people i dont know and i have like 3 friends and no social life... what im saying is im royaly screwed.

its also not been helping with my mental health or anxiety because when i got home from a meeting with my schools guidance couselor(?) about the whole new school thing i uhh... kinda broke down crying in my moms arms on the front porch while my grandma was sitting in her truck like less than 10 feet away waiting for help with groceries.

oh that reminds me

(i have no idea why im saying this other than the fact that i overshare on the internet with total strangers for no reason)

a few months ago like back in december i kept messing things up, like dropping a 12 pack of soda on the porch and some cans, denting them,  and dropping bags, i was on the verge of tears because of stupid emotions and the fact that i had been out of my depression and anxiety meds for almost 2 weeks so my mom pulled me into our pantry and asked what was wrong and then i just fucking broke down full on sobbing because i felt useless and that i couldnt do anything right. soo she had to hold me while i felt bad about myself and i messed up her shirt with tears and shit trying to calm me down just because i was having a bad day.

cool

anywho
how are you? yknow.. anyone who reads my shitposts for some reason?
oh yeah more storytime

so i was set up with a pshyciatrist to try and get some therapy (idk why i agreed to such things but alas, my impulsivity likes to fuck me over) and me n my mom were meeting with the pshyciatrist dude for the first time and mymom literally had to do all the talking because i felt like i was gonna have a panic attack every ten seconds if i couldnt keep my breathing calmish i almost cried from anxiety...

aNd ThAts hOw i GoT pUt oNtO mEdiCatIon bY my FiRsT mEeTinG

*ahem*

anyways (i notice i say that alot srry its a habit) the main reason we were there in the first place was to get me therapy and ya wanna know what? i only met with someone to actually talk ONCE after MONTHS of going for meds and then never again. so yeah that sucks

but the lady i did talk to that one time was really nice and was easy to talk to

tHaT rEmiNds mE

i already posted this in my convo/announcements page awhile ago but since i doubt anyone read it.. she got me talk about when this girl in my class who really didnt like me and just kept bugging and taunting me for no reason in the last class of the day when she decided to sit by me and insult me, even threatening me a little bit but whatever, and my friendish person who i got along with that at that time wasnt helping just saying "ooh shes gonna kill youu dont mess with herrr" just because i was antisocial, didnt talk much, and "lOokEd sCaRy." that just spurred the girl on more until i was gripping my pen so tight my knuckles were white just trying to keep myself from hurting her.

when busses were called and 98% of the class left i immidiately turned around and stabbed the wall multiple times and broke my pen, my beautiful, wonderful pen, my only pen, the love of my life, and shattered it to pieces. my teacher came out from his office for like 2 seconds and was like "what whas that?" and i was like "oh i just stabbed the wall" nonchalantly and he was like "whatd the wall ever do to you?" and then left.

so overall an ok day ig

woo i think im done ranting for now. i didnt know what i was gonna write when i made this but i guess this i like my public online diary or some shit.. yay free therapyyy!! idk hope you enjoyed reading my bullshit and have a good... uh.. life?

till next time ig

adios