Till Death Do Us Part

Troubled Memories

"Destiny works in strange ways, huh? It brought us together just to tear us apart."

This is it.

I'm here.

Standing in my red lehenga.

Surrounded by friends and family.

Shouts of joy in the air around me.

Everything is exactly how I pictured it.

The lights. The sounds. The ambience. The people.

Everything except the hand wrapped around mine.

I tilt my head upwards to see Neil's radiant smile in tandem with the crowds of people swarming me. I should be smiling with him. I should be glowing from the inside out. I should be happy. But I'm not. Because of you.

Everytime I hear someone congratulate me. Everytime someone comes over to shake my hand or pull me into a hug. Every single time I'm forced to put on a smile, I'm thinking of you. I was supposed to be here with you and not him. Your hand was the one which was supposed to be intertwined with mine. Your calm voice was supposed to dull the roar of the storm taking place in my heart. All the dreams that I had dreamed just vanished into thin air. Of a life with you. Waking up in bed together. Making breakfast together. Coming home to your presence after a hectic day of shooting.

My mind knows that I took the right decision but my heart thinks that I've made the biggest mistake of my entire life. I still believe that I did the right thing by ending it but everything just feels out of place. My life is literally in shambles without you. I don't know how to live without you.

The only thing that gives me a sense of peace is that you would have moved on. Found someone new. Someone who truly compliments you and all that you have to offer. I parted with you praying that this would make you happy and eventually even I would find happiness somehow. But nothing has made me forget you. Hell, I'm getting married today and the wedding is the last thing on my mind. Neil is the last thing on my mind. I know that he will keep me happy and comfortable. I know that he'll always be kind and keep my best interest at heart.

The thing is, I don't want to feel comfortable and relaxed. I want fire. I want to feel that thrill, that excitement. And only you can give me that. Every single moment I spend with you feels like that. I never thought I would become so attached to a person whom I've known since such a short while. Destiny works in strange ways, huh? It brought us together just to tear us apart.

"Teja? Where are you lost? Come on, time for pictures!"

I snap myself out of my daze and make myself walk towards the stage. Everyone's already there. I go and stand by my mum and pose for the photograph. Even though I'm not in the right state of mind, I'll never let go of the chance to spend time with my family. There are photos with everyone. My mom caressing my hair while my dad looked on proudly. My brother cradling me in his arms. My best friend clutching me tightly into a hug.

Finally, it was time for the family photo with Neil's family.

In the spur of the moment, an echo of the past flashes behind my eyes.

"Karan! Look at this! My friend Esha recently got married and posted some pics. Both of them look so cute together. It's like they were made for each other."

"Aww they're adorable"

"Right! She told me how they were trying different poses for an hour to try to make the photos look glamorous but ended up getting nowhere. They finally gave up and just did their own thing. And let me tell you, these ones turned out way better than those could ever have been."

"Totally agreed. Life's perfect as is, don't you think? No accessories needed."

"This made me think of us. Maybe someday even we will do these things."

"For sure."

"I don't need the glitz and glamour. I don't want the show and fuzz. We're gonna be exactly who we are. Without any filter, without any demonstrations, without any expectations."

"Some things are just so organic that way and it's beautiful."

"Like you and me?"

"Exactly"

I pull myself together and head towards his family.

Mine now. I will myself to remember that.

Something has felt wrong ever since I said yes to Neil that day. It's felt as if a thorn had been pricking me repeatedly. I accepted because he is a good guy and he's gonna be a good husband to me. Faithful and loyal. Calm and kind. Everything anyone could possibly want. But not me.

He is not my first choice.

He will never be my first choice.

But sometimes we jump off a cliff hoping that there will be a smooth landing. I'm not doing this just to make my family happy. Just to feel my mom and dad's approval. I'm also doing this for myself.

Because at the end of the day, if there's one thing I don't want, it's heartbreak. It keeps pulling and pulling and there's no stopping it. You don't know when or where or how it will appear. It just does. Without warning. Without guarantee. And when it does, you have to grit your teeth, stand strong and fight that son of a bitch.

That's exactly what I'm doing. If there's something that can keep me and my feelings away from Karan, I'm all for it.

I close my eyes and prepare myself for what is to come.  Because there's no stopping it. And for the first time, I feel like maybe I don't want to anymore.

~end~

Life isn't a bed of roses, it's filled with hurdles and obstacles. Maybe this has a happy ending, maybe it doesn't. But we should smile because it happened, not cry because it's over.

Lots of love,
D

PS: Please don't kill me if it does not.