BECOMING TOAST
by DanKitti, Catfish & KC
Omar was a big fan of the “Name That Toast” TV show. He dreamed of going on the show, and after being blindfolded, he’d turn to the host, Wink Barker, and say, “I can name that toast in three bites.” The other contestant would challenge him with “I can name that toast in two bites,” after which Omar would claim to be able to name the toast in one bite.
After watching “Name That Toast” one day, Omar became determined to become the all-time champion. He went into his kitchen and unloaded the spice cabinet onto the kitchen counter, along with the contents of the refrigerator and every edible thing he could find in the kitchen. Then he went out and bought a dozen loaves of bread.
Omar then set to work combining compatible and then incompatible ingredients in many combinations in many different pans and bowls and cups. He labeled each one. He would make every conceivable kind of toast there was. He would stump every would-be toast namer there was. He would develop his taste buds to the point that not the slightest aroma could escape his detection.
He filled the first pan full of bread and began his experiment. As he pulled the pan from the oven, however, he noticed something was drastically wrong with the zucchini and cream cheese toast. There clearly must be a secret way to make all those different kinds of toast. Omar must find this secret, or at least find someone who knows the secret.
Just then, the doorbell rang. It was Jeanette, The Famous Chef. She had just written a cookbook entitled “Eleven Thousand and Four Famous Recipes for Toast”, which she was selling door to door. Omar was a big fan of the “Jeanette The Famous Chef” show, so of course he had to buy the cookbook by Jeanette The Famous Chef.
Omar told Jeanette about his problem with the toast. He didn’t say anything about the “Name That Toast” show, but he said he was going to have a big toast-tasting party, which of course was true. She then told him the secret to making gourmet toast, which she had learned from Charles Nelson Reilley, he of course, being one of the all-time acclaimed Toast Chefs. The secret was to make your own bread dough and to cook the spices and toppings into the dough so they would permeate it with their flavors.
Well, it seemed simple enough, except that he’d have to go out now and buy all kinds of flours and ingredients and make up the doughs and he’d be in the kitchen for the next two days. Was he that determined to become the “Name That Toast” champion?
Yes, he was. He made up a batch of rye dough and one of whole wheat, and set them in the fridge to rise. He sat down in the living room to rest, but was suddenly startled ajar minutes later by an explosion of some sort. Smoke was billowing from the kitchen. The bowls of ingredients were shattered and some pulsating green blob of stuff was oozing over the cabinets and down onto the floor, bubbling and smoking.
As he watched, it began to take the shape of Jeanette’s face. Immediately, Omar knew what was happening. Jeanette The Famous Chef had led him astray in his toasting endeavors. Could it be that Jeanette herself wished to become a contestant on the “Name That Toast
show, and so wished to thwart all efforts at Gourmet Toasting of all kinds, just to be sure she would win?
Omar immediately phoned Charles Nelson Reilley. Charles was all aglow that his friend Jeanette The Famous Chef was going on the All New Fab Special All-Star Edition of the “Name That Toast” show, and that he had personally warned Jeanette of the dangers of the making of toast the wrong way. For instance, if you make your own bread dough and bake the ingredients in beforehand, it will cause an explosion which will destroy your kitchen. But how did this explain the green blob of dough resembling Jeanette’s face? While Omar had Charles Nelson Reilley on the phone, he was able to get the secret for making famous, award-winning gourmet toast: you take the bread out of the oven while it is half done cooking, and then you mix in the extra ingredients.
