Who thought it would be a "have a good life". Like any other day of hating everybody, I was excited to see the only person capable of giving some light to my blue and exhausting day. Life was great thanks to him, he made me see everything with colors, gave me hope when I needed it, and let me think I could trust in someone again. He was the one; for almost 3 years he had given me everything I could ask for. So yeah, I was excited to finally have a smile on my face, he had already given me one and I hadn't seen him yet.
I walked into his apartment using my key, with dinner in one hand and rented movies in the other. He had promised to prepare brownies, so I was expecting to open the door and feel the sweet smell of hot delicious chocolate. But instead, I smelled hard liquor, rum, vodka, and beer, it was like walking straight into a bar. I got worried and rushed into his living room to find him alone, with his head between his hands seated on his couch bent over his knees. At the table in front, he had a full glass of pure vodka and a beer. I was confused so I sat by his side and put a hand on his shoulder, but he couldn't look at me. He was ashamed, I could feel it in the tension on his shoulder. 10 minutes passed and he hadn't spoken to me, when suddenly he looked at me, he was crying, hurt, ashamed, and regretting something he had done. I could see it all in his eyes. And looking deeper into his brown eyes I saw something different, emptiness; I saw a stranger, not the person I was once in love with, I saw the end of something that was meant to be great.
I finally asked him "hey, hey, don't cry. tell me what's wrong, let's talk it out" but he only cried more, I knew at that moment he had fucked up. I talked once more, this time anxious, "tell me what's wrong, please. I want to understand" he answered by saying
"I'm so sorry, I'm so fucking sorry. I fucked up big time, tell me you'll forgive me...but it's over" I was about to tell him I would forgive anything because I knew this was meant to be, but his last words stopped me. "w-what are y-you saying?" I asked.
"I didn't want to end this likk-" he answered immediately
"End this? What are you talking about?" concern left my voice as I asked with anger and confusion. "w-why do you want to end this? since when do you want to end this?" but I only got silence as an answer. I felt hot tears running down my face. And I got a pity to look like an answer so I shouted "since FUCKING when?" I was on my knees, on the floor, I couldn't believe that this was the end. I didn't want to accept that we were ending. But before I could say something else he turned around and said "leave, we had fun, we had three great years together but we are done. I cheated on you today, I don't love you anymore, FUCK I didn't love you a long time ago. But now I can finally say it." he shouted, almost laughing "You are a great girl but we are over. I wanted you as a friend and I broke my morals by sleeping with someone else but it's for the best."
I couldn't believe what I heard so I cried more. He walked to the door and said "leave".
I got up and shouted with anger "Why? WHY? w-why did you have to end this?" He only looked to the floor. I walked toward him and looked him in the eyes, but I did not know him anymore. I slapped him on the face and walked away.
I was still in shock when I got out of his house, angry, with tears on my face. I felt lost and confused. I started walking without direction. I just needed to clear my head, to breathe. But after a while, I started walking back to his house. The conversation was not over, and I knew that if this was going to end he would hear me.
When he opened the door he was surprised to see me but before he could ask me what I was doing there I pushed him into his house and looked at him with so much pain and anger. "When someone wants to leave your life, they go in silence," I said while pushing him once more. "When they don't want to leave they make noise. And I made so much, but so much, noise" I grabbed him by the shirt and put my head in his chest while I tried to calm myself down and take a step back to look him right into the eyes, those beautiful brown eyes I once loved. and keep shouting "I was waiting for you to stop me, to hear you say "stay",'' let's try this again.", or "let's fix this, I still want you. let's try again until we get it right." I told him crying so hard "I made so much fucking noise and you didn't even look back. For you it was done months ago, you gave me hope and love, and you let me think we could have a future together. You watched me fight for something that was done a long time ago and didn't do anything about it. You lied to me, you let me walk to your apartment as if it was one of many times, kissed me as if we had a tomorrow, hugged me like we had a lifetime ahead of us." he tried to speak this time, the surprise in his eyes was replaced by pain but I had so fucking much to say "You are a liar, a cheater, an ungrateful motherfucker. So thank you for letting me realize I deserve better. Have a great fucking life" with those last words I walked out, still hurt but no longer confused. I only felt pain.
~°~
