I Love You

1-Hidden Insecurities

Waking up but wishing that you don't
Is something I pray you'll never know 

Kayla

My eyes force themselves open. I force them to close again. I wasn't ready. Not yet. I couldn't face the world, the smiles, the glimmer of hope everyone seemed to share as if they knew something I didn't about the world we live in today. Everything was a mess. Everything looked so perfect. I would keep it that way, I had to. It was a family promise that every member of my family would keep. The unspoken promise to present as perfect no matter what happens. Perfect is accepted, perfect is rewarded. I wanted to sleep for days. I didn't want to wake up now, or ever. Today, I definitely didn't feel ready to face the world with my sickeningly fake smile everyone expected. 

"Kayla," Dylan's voice came from behind the door. "Mum and dad are waiting for you." There was a very light knock, and I sighed. It seemed I could no longer hide from the world. Though I was surprised my parents were even here. My mum is a very successful lawyer often out busy with some trial or meeting with a client. It was rare she was home before dinner or still home by breakfast. On the other hand, my dad was a less surprising face to have downstairs. He ran his own business, and while he admitted it was very hard, as being a CEO seemed, us being a happy family was more than just an appearance for him. He truly wanted that happy, picture-perfect family. If only he knew picture-perfect didn't exist. 

"I woke up late, can you tell them I'll be down in fifteen?" I called though. I made sure to keep my voice quiet and low though. I didn't need a scolding from my mum, telling me it was unladylike to yell and we had to be perfect and strong. I couldn't allow myself to do anything that may be seen as boyish. My mum's wrath was very much something that I feared. 

"Course sis. I'll hang around downstairs to give you a ride to college." Although Dylan's statement came out as more of a question, I didn't answer. Instead, I pull myself from her particularly uncomfortable bed. Brought only to appear pretty, perfect and show my family's weath. Something my mother insisted on. I wasn't sure why I had to prove, even to my friends, that my family was rich. It was something that was well established and I'm sure my friends didn't really care how much money my family had. After all, they are my friends, how much money any of us has shouldn't matter. Maybe it's easier to say when you have lots of money, but I didn't care for money. All I particularly wanted in my future was enough money to live comfortably and a family that wasn't petrified to be themselves. Perhaps it was wishful thinking, but as Dylan always tells me. To wish is to hope and to hope is to carry on. He's only a year older than me, but as a philosophy student he would often come out with strange statements which would always leave me thinking

My clothes were all planned to perfectly match my skin tone and bring out my golden-brown eyes. Of course, my mother had picked them all. My make-up, which would have to be perfect, would have to be perfect and an exact match with whatever clothing I had chosen to wear. Thankfully my mother generally allowed me to choose how much or how little make-up I put on. Today, as usual, I went with the minimal. Although, I knew my mum would disagree this was one thing she couldn't force on me. My dark brown hair was quickly straightened. My mum never let me cut it, she disapproved of me putting it up and I could never just brush it. Something like straightening or curling would always have to be done. While I knew I didn't have to, my mum strongly advised, which in her language is a command and certainly not up for debate. Unlike I was. Today I would have debate club, followed by an hour swim, followed by an hour in the gym. Then I would have to do homework, that is if my friends didn't invite me out, especially Malissa. My mum, while insisting I do good in my courses, also insists I never turn down an invite to go out with friends. Not because she wants me to have a social life, but because Malissa is the daughter of her law firm's partner. One of them anyway. She was overjoyed when we became friends. While I love Malissa, I really really do, the guilt sometimes eats at me. The guilt that I know my mum is hoping to use me to get some form of promotion. The guilt that sometimes I dread talking to her in fear she'll ask me to spend time with her after college hours. My course work is long and hard, while I enjoy it, of course, I do, it feels impossible to do everything.  The guilt of sometimes resenting Malissa for the fact that my mum wants her to be her daughter, and not me. We've been friends for a while, and the clear choice was to apply to the same college, and we both got in. We had similar grades, both did great at GCSE. It just seemed like whatever I did, Malissa did better. My mum would waste no time showing me, to rub it in, to wish - in front of me - that her daughter was Malissa. To remind me I just wasn't up to the task of being her perfect daughter. No matter what I did, how many top marks I brought home, perfect hairstyles, perfect clothes, great friends. None of that mattered to my mum, in her eyes Malissa would always be better. 

+++++

I went downstairs, quickly greeted by my mum's disapproving gaze and my dad's sad one. I supposed he knew what was about to come. Aiden, my younger brother and Jasmine, my younger sister, were just finishing their breakfast. 

"Dylan's outside waiting for you. You shouldn't leave your brother waiting." My mum's voice was cold. Her eyes scrutinized me. 

"I should get some toast first." My voice is soft and I keep my head down, I didn't want a confrontation, but I needed something to eat before college. I had almost a full schedule today, it would be a long time before I could sneak away to get some food. 

"Your brother is waiting." My mum scowled at me. I opened my mouth to protest, when she continued, "Do you really think you need that toast? I mean seriously Kayla, I'm not raising a pig. You have certainly put some pounds on in the past few months." Tears welled in my eyes, but I said nothing. I just nodded and wandered out of the house. Before I could leave completely, a hand on my arm stopped me. I didn't look up, expecting it to be my mum making another dig at my appearance or weight. 

"Honey," It was my dad's voice instead. "I'm sorry, she didn't mean it. You look, fantastic sweetheart. Have a good day at college, I'll put some money in your account get your brother to stop by McDonald's or something, treat yourselves." 

"Thank you, dad." I hugged him tightly, squeezing my eyes to keep the tears in. He patted my back in an attempt at comforting me as he always did. 

"I love you honey, have a good day." He smiled at me before going back to my mum and presumably getting my younger siblings ready to be taken to school.