I never knew you. I spent my whole life with you, but I never knew you.
I spent 24 years with you, but I never knew you.
We never had a great relationship, but
You brought someone into my life that prevented it from ever happening.
You didn't know it at the time, and when I told you eventually long after that person had left the picture you didn't want to know it.
But at the time, I was 8 years old. And for the next 8 years, while you were gone at work during all but a few hours a day, I was taught by this person what it meant to be a man.
Crying is for fairies.
Crying is a form of surrender for a lot of people. It's definitely a form of surrender for kids when they don't know how to process what's happening.
Crying never worked on him.
What I remember is
being hit
feeling sorry for making a mistake.
being hit
feeling like I could do nothing right.
being hit
feeling like I would never be a man.
being hit
slowly starting to give up on my dreams.
being hit
trying to explain how I was being hit to you.
being hit
getting told that I was overreacting and embellishing the truth.
being hit
realizing there was no escape.
embracing being hit
smiling through the pain.
I never cried. Crying is for fairies.
He left. But not without leaving an impression.
What I remember is
Knocking on your bedroom door after I hadn't seen you in 3 days.
What I remember is
Seeing all the pill bottles in the bathroom.
What I remember is
You waking up not knowing what day it was.
What I remember is
Being 16 years old.
What I remember is
You telling me you tried to kill yourself.
What
I
Remember
Is
I wasn't good enough for you to keep living.
I moved out when I was able to. I experienced friendship, I experienced love, I experienced
not being hit
But I also turned to drugs which helped me forget about
being hit
You moved on. You got remarried.
we
grew
apart.
By the time you wanted to reconnect
I had been addicted to drugs
I had burned bridges with everyone I knew
I had become homeless
We did not reconnect.
You wanted the son you wished you had raised, not the one that was beaten down physically and emotionally during his childhood unbeknownst to you.
I enlisted in the army, was deployed to war.
I saw terrible things.
But nothing as terrible as walking as walking into your room and thinking you were dead.
I got shot at.
But it wasn't as scary as coming home from school to him.
I finished my time with the army.
I was used to a life without you by now.
I met my wife, who convinced me to try to reconnect to you.
I tried.
You came to my wedding.
We started to talk more.
I felt like I was 16 again and none of the things in the past happened.
I was going to have a good relationship with my mom finally.
COVID.
We can't visit until it's over.
One night, you are in a lot of pain and take a bit more than recommended of your medication.
You're gone.
I'll miss you, Mom.
