the bonus book | ✓

walls

walls

I don’t know how or when it started. The only thing I know is, I was okay in the morning when I woke up and headed to school. I was okay meeting Oliver and Jason, picking up coffee for ourselves. Oliver didn’t forget to kiss me on my forehead. Jason didn’t forget to make fun of us. I didn’t forget to smile as bright as I do everyday.

Everything was great, like it has been for the past three weeks.

Oliver and I are so much in love that Jason is praying that we get over our “honeymoon phase” - his words, not ours- soon.

A few minutes ago, I was walking down the hallway to the chemistry lab, all fine.

Now I am looking at the clock and the class has been over for a while. I am at the library, staring at the book shelf and wondering why I can’t feel a single emotion.

I am reading a classic, it’s assigned reading. The final is drawing closer. We will be done with our junior year soon enough. Sooner than I want to.

I let out a small sigh and try to concentrate on my reading. The words seem to slip right through me, their meanings non existent.

I would have felt different if I was not spiralling - that’s the thought that occurs in an instant.

The next thought is, oh no, I’m spiralling.

Then it all goes downhill, as if falling from somewhere high and crashing on the ground, suddenly so overwhelmed by the reality of it, yet not being able to feel it.

Not being able to feel was spiralling. It still is.

I close my eyes for a moment, waiting for sadness to wash over me.

I am disappointed. I am hopeless. I am sad. But not really. Because I can’t feel any of it.

In the past, I used to think I would rather feel sad and awful, than not being able to feel anything at all. I think I still think the same.

I close the book and return it to its shelf. I make it out of the library with dread somewhere underneath all of me, the dread of seeing Oliver or Jason.

It’s my first time spiralling since I have been in a relationship with Oliver. It’s my first time spiralling since I have decided to be free of the fears that has kept me from accepting love, love from Oliver, from Jason.

I am not ready to face them. I wonder if I ever will be.

I shake my head, dismissing that thought. I can do better. I can be better.

I pass by the cafeteria, not entering although lunch time is near. The bell would ring any minute. Oliver and Jason would be here before I know it.

I wish I could hide. I have nowhere to hide now.

I wish I was alone like before, when nobody cared about me.

I sit down, out in the bleachers. I have a lunchbox with me where I have packed a sandwich for myself.

As the bell rings, I take it out and take a bite.

I have no appetite.

I have always feared this inevitable day. I knew somewhere deep down this day will come. I knew my happiness wasn’t everlasting. No one's happiness is everlasting.

Life gets in the way.

Moreover, the scars I carry around, will take time to heal. I know that.

The cuts I didn’t make, but I was about to, might be invisible on my skin, but the damage it did to my mind, will take longer to heal.