Replacement

To anyone that has ever felt lonely or just was interested in this.

I feel like the pressure of a soda bottle when you shake it too much.

I feel like a piece of money being passed down from one person to the next.

Not belonging to them forever. But always have the fingerprints left behind.

Always left behind.

They call me anything they want, that's fine. If they are joking or not.

Besides, it's not like they know how I feel.

No one can. No one will.

It's not like I bear myself in front of people over and over and over again until I cannot do it anymore. So damaged that the tissue can't heal the scars.

It's not like it's fun for me to lose almost all sense in reality when I stress.

Not like being replaced.

It's not like anything.

I've been put down before.

I'm used to it by now.

It's no surprise to me to love and lose.

Even so, why does it hurt so bad?

Why does the pain continue to beat down upon me when I already know.

Why does my stomach drop when she's around them?

Why is she around them?

Petty and jealousy were never really my favorite color but I guess they fit me well.

Fit me better than expected.

Like a blanket.

Collapsing around me and perfectly wrapping my body.

Collapsing.

It's fine. I'm fine.

I can't control who my friends hang out with.

Who they like more.

Even if it's not me.

Even if they don't want me around.

I see the conversations.

Conversations we had.

That they are now having with her.

Them.

She is so nice that I can't help but miss her.

Want to be friends again.

But I learned my lesson.

No matter how nice someone can be.

No one can ever truly be kind.

Can not have a heart of gold.

They walk into the hallway together.

I don't even have to try to keep up.

When I know they don't want me around.

With her.

With them.

With any of them.

She turns to them and walks backward while they talk.

And they laugh and laugh.

It just–

It just–

It used to be me.

It used to be me, you know.

I want to run and hide.

From everyone.

Everything.

It's not worth it anymore.

Never was.

Never should have been.

And I still bear myself at their feet.

I never knew jealousy could consume a person so much.

Trap them in their mind.

And play with them even when you try to stop.

It's a futile attempt to hope to break free.

You can only stay and wait for the bumpy ride to be over.

No matter how long it takes.

Nice.

Nice is such a weird word don't you think.

Such a weird thing to describe someone you know your friend doesn't like.

Can't talk to them.

We are drifting away and they can't bother to tell.

Can't bother to look a little bit past the surface.

Drifting away even before high school.

I don't feel normal anymore.

Sometimes I don't even feel human.

Acting well never got me anywhere.

Acting tough just made it worse.

And no matter how many times my heart gets ripped out...

It just never works out.

Crying never helped solve a problem but my eyes won't have it.

I can blink quick and fast but the tears will show up sooner or later.

Never would be preferred but that was never an option.

It's like my fault.

Just being me.

Just being here with these people has driven me to be me.

Finding myself a little more each day.

But I don't like how I think.

Think about people.

Think about myself.

Always so contradictory.

And trying to calculate every little thing.

Every feeling I have.

Every feeling they have.

But masks are much easier to slip on than to tug off.

I may be aggressive and rude and rough but I care.

They know I care.

I've shown that I care.

Been there when they couldn't talk to anyone else.

Let them cry on my shoulder or make them laugh in a serious situation.

But it's not enough.

Never enough for anyone.

Not even them.

Not even her.

I can't help but feel disgusted with myself.

With everything.

Why can't I let this go?

I want to let this go.

If I do, the pain will go away.

But I can't. Can't let go.

The pain claws me with its scissor-sharp nails.

Why does everyone want to leave me?

It's...

Excruciating.

Very

Very

Excruciating.