⚠️ TRIGGER WARNING⚠️
THIS CHAPTER WILL HAVE SMALL METIONS OF ABUSE (Mental, Physical, Verbal, ETC.) AS WELL AS MENTIONS OF NEGLECT AND SUICUDE
PLEASE DON'T READ IF THESE THINGS TRIGGER YOU AND INSTEAD READ SOMETHING ELSE
It been sometime and I have to get things off my chest. I hate everything about me. My life, my looks, my 'achievements', my work, everything. It seem like no matter what I do, no one seem to give to shits about it. Everything I try has fail and has only got me in trouble.
I've felt like the disappointment of the family ever since I was 5 or 4, I was supposed to be the better sibling compared to my older brother because I didn't have difficulties growing up unlike my brother. That was until grade started becoming important, I was an AB student while my brother was an all A's student as well as being in the gifted and talented program. He was basically the golden child that could do nothing wrong while I was the opposite. No matter what I did, my work would always be compared to other, if it wasn't my brother, it would be another student. Its been my entire life, even today. Sure its not my mom anymore but myself because I was raised and technically born into that style of viewing the world. Yes, I'm aware that some are better than me but sometimes I find myself reaching standard that are impossible to meet.
My dad isn't the best either, he's been neglectful to not only me but my siblings as well, often giving me all the responsibilities and pressure of a parental figure. I was always forced to grow up so quickly to the point that I can't remember much of my own childhood. I learned things that teens were supposed to know but hey it help me from being sexually assaulted by a family member.
And before you ask, yes I have tried getting help,especially when I realized that I needed help and yet nothing has been done. I recently went to a hospital and my mom has been refusing to admit what she's done and lied about how I lived a good life, that I'm only acting like this because of my parents recent divorce plans. They say I've gone crazy and started making up stories to excuse my actions, I'm not and I'm tired of all my problems being push aside and ignored. Their saying that I may have something that makes me have false memories or a disorder of some kind. Their saying this so much that even I started believing then and thought I was crazy too and that all my experiences of physical, mental, and verbal abuse were all just fabrics of my imagination that I made up to achieve what exactly? I don't know and frankly I don't care, I'm tired of this place, of this world, of this life, JUST EVERYTHING IM TIRED OF IT.
All I wanted was someone to just give me a hug and say that they're proud of me and that there's hope of a better day ahead. All I want is for my mom to be grateful for all the sacrifices I've done to myself to help her and my family have a good life.
Sadly though, the damage is done and even if someone were to do that and my mom were to say those things, it would only be out of pity and not because they mean it, it only because now I decided to be open about this and not because of the constant signs to people in my life that I was struggling with something (something I've realized a while ago and was to scared to talk about). The damage is done and I no long see good in this world, it full of hateful people that want control over everything and everyone and we're seeing it happen. The laws being passed, the wars that are started, the killings made, all that can't be covered out by a mere 'everything will be ok' along with beautiful pictures of landscapes because it won't and will never be. Those pictures only last so long before it destroyed by another reality check with the recent news of a school shooting. I've lost all hope in ever wanting to live again, in wanting to say and achieve my dream job. No, I wouldn't kill myself after this and this isn't a suicide note of any kind, it just something I've had in my head and couldn't keep anymore.
Just do me a huge favor and tell someone ANYONE (this may be yourself as well) that you love them and are proud of whatever their doing with their lives, don't tell them why you said it. Just say that you felt like it, I don’t want anyone else feeling like they mean nothing and that no one will be grateful from their achievements like I do.
