Drowning

Begging For Forgivness

Maxs pov:
I dont know whats gotten in me, all of a sudden since Billy's death i've shut myself off from everyone even the party. I stopped getting in contact with El for god knows what reason, and i've also been doing some pretty bad things. Before you start to worry it wasn't to others, it was towards me. I had started cutting myself, and starving myself, i've also been drinking recently its not what i like but more like what my body craves. I guess once you start you really cant stop. Lucas kept calling me and when i finally answered he told me to go to his house because of some emergency situation and as much as I didn't want to, I knew he wasnt lying by the sound of his voice. So i put on some vans and started heading to his place on my skateboard. As soon as I got there I knocked on the door and he answered.

"Ok stalker im here what do you want?" I said "Why are you wearing a jacket and pants its like 90 degrees?" he asked me. i wasn't really prepared for that question so i just ignored it "I know I did not come all this way just for you to ask why im wearing pants and a jacket." I said "No um just come inside."
We walked up to his room and in it was steve, robin, and dustin. "So whats up and why am i here?" I asked. I know he started talking but all of a sudden my mind went blank and i couldn't hear anything besides my own breathing. I looked around and couldnt see anything until all of a sudden billy appeared screaming and crying, i noticed everything. It was the night he had been killed. I was confused, yet scared and upset like i wanted to scream and just let it all out. then the visions started fading and it sounded like someone was calling my name, it was lucas. "Max? Are you okay? Max!" lucas kept calling my name. "Huh? What?" I asked "Whats wrong you look like your about to cry?" Dustin added "I- Im fine i just need to use the bathroom." i said lying "Are you sure?" robin asked me "Yes im fine!" I quickly lied again

I went into the bathroom and slammed the door immediatly sitting on the foor I put my legs against my chest and started crying quietly hoping not to attract the others. I was fine until my skin was begging for attention but not te good kind. I tried to resist it and i couldnt anymore i took the blade out of my pocket and pulled my pants down and started making cuts into my thigh and even tracing over old scars I wanted to scream. I then went to my wrist and started my lines. I hadnt usually done my wrist just because its obvious and stuff but when I did  covered the scars with bracelets. I couldnt help myself and I let out a slight scream but definintly not "happy screams" as El would call them. I just hoped no one heard.

Robins pov:
"What was that?"I asked all of them hoping I wasn't delusional. "What was was?" Steve asked. "Someone just moaned." i said already regretting my choice of words. "I think it came from the bathroom." Dustin added "But the only person in here in this house thats not in the room right now is max and why would she be.......moaning?" Lucas implied "Do you think she's....." Dustin trails off "No because if she was i think she would of done a good moan this moan sounded painful." I said "Let me go see." Lucas said. "Hell no she could be naked. I'll do it, I dont want her to feel uncomfortable. You all just wait outside the door." I said "Fine." Lucas said. I got a bobby pin from out of my hair and i picked the lock with it. i slightly opened the door so the guys couldn't see and i walked in and saw max on the floor with streams of tears running down her face, blood all over her thighs which i assumed might have been her period but then saw a blade lying on the floor and cuts all over her wrist. and she was struggling to breath. "Oh my god max! What the hell? Why did you?" I couldnt get the words out I didnt know what to do.

"I- I *She coughs* Im sorry." She said "Hey, hey hey hey how about i get you cleaned up and you can tell me whats wrong." I said trying to remain calm. max is like a little sister to me all of these kids are like my little siblings weather I've known them for one year or one month. "O- okay" she said. i sighed "Um do you have like any shorts and stuff so i can take you to like an easier spot to do this cause this bathroom is really unbelievably small." I asked and she chuckled a little bit before nodding her head no "Um ok.... STEVE!"i asked "YA?" he said "I NEED YOU TO GO TO THE WHEELERS AND GET A PAIR OF SHORTS FROM NANCYS DRESSER." he asked "JUST DO IT." I replied with. I heard him leave.  "Ok here im going to get you a towel to wrap around your waist until he gets back and you can wear nancys shorts, im sure she wont mind." "Mkay." max wispered  i go and get her a towel and help her bottom half get covered and I pick her up and she just lays there looking half dead. "Open the door lucas." I say and he opens it "Whats going on?' He asked "nothing." i said. I knew it was important that she needed to tell someone but i wasn't gonna do it for her when shes ready she can.

I lay her on lucas's bed "Why is she not wearing pants?" Lucas asked "It's nothing just give her some space."

A few hours later max was in unfamiliar shorts and had bandages wrapped around her wrist and thighs

Maxs pov:
"Whats going on?" i asked, the pain wasn't even there and I barely remember anything. "I gave you pain medication, you fall asleep, i bandaged the cuts and you woke up thats what." robin said "did you tell-" she cut me off and said "No. But you should tell them whats wrong. But first, i wanna know whats wrong." she said "I've been having these crazy nightmares althoguh sometimes they're day dreams." I said "Of what?" she asked me. "My brothers death, it keeps freaking me out more and more and I dont know what it means and im just scared and I- i just am tierd and I dont know what to do so im just pretending that cutting myself, starving myself and getting drunk is working when it's not its making me feel guilty and stupid and I hate just ignoring Lucas because i miss him." I quickly said regretting everything after. "Look Max, just try talking to people like you just talked to me, you wouldn't feel so alone and maybe the dream is just getting into your head trying to make you feel as if your alone but your not you have your party and steve and me and nancy and your just not alone."She tells me. "Just what i can say is try to push the memory out of you mind and show it that your not a loser and you arent lonely. And as for Lucas get back with him, you know you want to." she adds on.

I started taking her words in and thinking and all of a sudden something hit me.......do I love lucas?