quintessential

December first, the cold night

  Ever since i lost my dad, something in my head,(my consciousness i would say) just keeps telling me, my life had just started  "this is where my life begins.. that flower preparing to blossom, that future that seemed dim at the moment but yet so bright, that shoulder in which generations yet concieved relies upon is me"..
   And yes it was easy to say all these, but you know the hardest part and most essential is in believing in those very words one professes
  There I was standing, looking at my mom sitted, crying, who had just told me the news of my dad's death. Without even a single clue of what to do, my mind was blank, at that moment i wasn't even capable of any emotions. Tears didn't come, or perhaps it was due to my inability to grasp the whole situation at once.. I wanted to calm my cryimg mother, but how could i? Left all alone with the sad news in a room at the early hours of the morning, three if I remember clearly, with only my mother.. And just when my consciousness started coming back, it did not come alone, it came along with pain, sorrow, weakness, anger, doubt, so many things going through my little teenage mind at that time and woest of all, I felt abandoned..
  And i thought who needed sympathising the most, a weeping widow who had just lost her husband,or a lost clueless underaged girl who just lost her father??.. But that was not something that needed to be debated upon as i held my mother's hand, wiped her tears and assured her, even though I myself was  without any conviction, that all was going to be alright...
   She looked up at me, suddenly realising that i was not as sullen as she was or even more and then a sudden look of surprise came on her, surprised that i wasn't or at least looked sorrowful.. But I was just trying to arouse her strenght because deep down inside of me i had never been more afraid in my whole life than i was at that very moment