Simula
Not being over dramatic but I never thought that life could be like a movie. Sometimes, naiisip ko, baka nga. At syempre, ako ang bida. Tapos may isang direktor na magdidikta kung paano dadaloy ang buhay ko.
Marami na akong palabas na napanood. Karamihan ay romantic lalo na kapag mag-isa ako. Tragic is my favorite, even though it will hurt my feelings, but atleast I relate. At all, I'm glad that there is a movie that could expresses what I'm feeling.
I also watched pure romance. Everytime that I do, I can't stop myself from visualizing how it feels again to be in the middle of a raging storm, liking how it feels because he makes you feel safe in his arms. Danced you, kissed you, felt each other gasp, and held your chin while staring deeply to the eyes that didn't want to let go. Or walking on a silent street, in the middle of the night with just the light of the post, deep talks, holding hands, and don't know where to go but it is fine. You have each other and the two of you don't want to say goodbye either.
Maybe… I just missed him. His laugh, his love, his care, his scent, his warmth, and everything about him that always makes me feel at peace. Iyong tipong 'ikaw ang pahinga ko' na kataga kasi literal talaga na mapapawi ang pagod mo na para bang isa siyang supplier ng kuryente, enough to energized your draining day.
Longingness. Pain. Regret. Wonder. Mga bagay na nararamdaman ko sa tuwing nanonood ng romantic movies. What if I am given a chance to star in one movie and have the freedom to choose who will be my partner? Then it is him.
I could love him freely there.
No restriction.
I wonder sometimes. Paano kaya kung tinapangan ko? Ano kaya ang pwedeng mangyari? Hindi ko rin masabi dahil ayokong biguin ang sarili ko.
They say, always take the risk before things get too late or else, you might regret not taking the risk. I realized that some risks are not worth risking nor of your single attention. But he was the only risk that I know, I'm more than willing to take… yet, afraid of the consequence.
Even though we had a very short amount of time, I can say that I am lucky that I've experienced what pure love is… which makes me say that this person doesn't deserve less. Doesn't deserve a love that is not reciprocated or afraid to fight. Doesn't deserve a love that hides… he doesn't deserve me.
Isn't it selfish if I wished sometimes that he would not fall in love with somebody else? I don't know how fate plays its game or how it works so, if he does find somebody new, I hope that it will be a love that knows how to fight and shows… a kind of love that he deserves.
A part of me does hope that if the day comes that I become ready, sana pwede pa ang kami. Sana ako pa rin.
Bakit ba ako nalulungkot at nasasaktan? Ginusto ko naman 'to. Pero… wala akong choice…
Tatlong taon na rin simula nung naghiwalay kami. Marami na ang nagbago. I am preparing myself in the industry where my heart belongs while he passed the licensure exam and became an engineer.
I conceal his name that is tattooed on the bottom right of my right arm. Pinasadahan ko ang itsura bago isabit ang itim kong sling bag at paliguan ng pabango ang sarili. I wore a khaki t-shirt for top and white cargo for bottom.
Magkikita kami ngayon ni Jago. Magpapatulong kasi siyang magplano ng themes at design ng kanyang birthday. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gusto niya at iniisip niya pero just in case na wala pa, I prepare suggestion.
Umupo muna ako sa harap ng laptop para i-polish ang design na tinatrabaho ko habang hinihintay ang pagdating ni Jago. Nag-graphic designer muna ako habang bini-build up ang sarili ko sa industriya ng pelikula. And I am accepting commissions as a sideline.
