Pink, Blue, Red

    Sometimes I wonder what my favorite color really is.
   Whenever someone asks me that question I get really stumped. Usually I would pick something random every time to feel special.
    But in reality I just don't know what color I truly like without feeling judged.
    I always think of pink, blue, and red because those are the only colors I really felt a connection to.
    Pink was the first ever color I liked when little. My bedroom walls were even that color. It always reminded me of cotton candy; the sweet I cherished the most. Whenever pink was around it felt like I could taste and smell it, as if I was in a dream.
    That was until people said pink was too girly.
    I didn't want to be very girly, I also didn't want to be very boyish, I just wanted to be in the middle of being both a girl and boy.
    That's when I liked the color blue, everyone loved blue at that time. It made me feel 'normal' like I was included in something others liked.
    My brain worked in a way to make me feel like the world was supposed to be the same. Everyone liked the same thing, everyone listened to the same thing, everyone had the same style.
    These thought made me feel very insecure.
    Blue made me feel trapped in other peoples world, like I wasn't supposed to be my own person.
    At that time I thought about the color black. It was all I ever thought because it was nothing like the other colors. Black was simple, I didn't get to think of what it exactly meant but got to pick my own meaning. It felt like no one could control how I thought.
   Yet it didn't work out since blue got back into my mind.
    Until COVID-19 made the world go into lockdown; I was in the last semester of 8th grade in middle school.
    School was online and I could never focus. My grades slowly dropped but not enough to where I couldn't go to night school luckily.
    But there was a problem. I had to spend my freshman year online. Instead of worrying all summer I found a YouTuber who went by 'TommyInnit.'
    I felt a connection to him because of how I acted out in life (aka anger issues). Everyday I would try to watch every video about him.
    Once school started, which was online of course, I watched Minecraft videos instead of doing work/listening to the teachers.
    Then I found a world full of fan fictions. I started writing almost everyday even if I wasn't a good writer. Seeing support from other people made me feel loved.
    That's when the color red became my go-to. I found red beautiful and saw it in every color. I started looking outside more only to finally realize that my obsession with fanfics became worse.
    My mom started yelling at me when she found out about my grades. It went to the point where she bought a folding desk and chair so I could do my school work near her 24/7. At night I would cry because I felt trapped and alone.
    Grades still didn't get better for me so I went back to school at the last quarter with a mask on. I had an option to do in-person school from the start but my mom made that decision for me.
    I felt very depressed at that time, even the color red was forgotten.

    I remember when I kept taking breaks from writing fan fictions, but each break I took became longer and longer till I didn't open Wattpad anymore.
    After a month of watching TommyInnit video/stream once a week I stopped and continued on focusing in school. My grades got so much better.

    Almost two years and a half passed and I thought about red again. It happened when I was watching one of the Spider-Man movies in the theaters. An obsession of the hero developed and I found a website called AO3. Spider-Man fanfics became an every night thing but I didn't write at all.
    My life became so much better, I started talking to people more, doing activities, going on school field trips away from where I lived. School was actually doing good for once in life.

    A few months ago I started watching some TommyInnit videos again. But I am now obsessed with his vlogs.
    I moved from reading Spider-Man to reading more 'TommyInnit' fictions; they are good stories not the weird/gross stories.
    Every now and then when I scroll through my phone I still see the Wattpad app that I never deleted. I feel guilty for leaving you all on a cliffhanger. This is the first thing I'm doing since opening the app. Seeing so many followers killed me inside and I really mean it when I say I'm so sorry. I also noticed in the conversation area that someone asked me what my favorite color is, well I guess you know now if you ever see this.

    Anyway I mostly wanted you all to know that I'm doing better in life and I'm also feeling happier. Before I end my story there's some news I'd like to say.
    I'm writing some TommyInnit fan fictions in my phone again, but I haven't really started on any of them. IF I ever do finish a story I'll try to post it on here. I'm now officially back on Wattpad, and all I ask for is don't let me over-do myself writing. I still want to keep my life in shape.

Thank You All!

My favorite color is red, what's yours?