Life is a Shitshow

Chapter One: I am a MESS

Holy fuck I am broken. Absolutely broken. This month has been the worst month of my life. I am not over exaggerating either. First my dog of 17 years gets put down while I am at school. Then my boyfriend of pretty much 2 years absolutely blind sights me and breaks up with me. It genuinely feels like I am in the part of a movie where everything changes. Like the part where people just break and everything gets dark.

The worst part is that these are both things that I have no control of. It's like I'm drowning while everyone else is just swimming around me. When my mom called me while I was at school to tell me my dog passed I screamed in disbelief. It was to the point that my roommates had to ensure I was ok. When my boyfriend broke up with me two weeks after without a warning I was calm. I literally responded with "ok". Didn't cry. Didn't beg. I didn't do anything.

I realize now that I really am broken. I've had to face both loss and rejection within two weeks. I am trying to push through and talk myself up. However, sometimes things just suck. And they suck right now.

I feel like over the past year I've lived in a lot of fear. Fear of both things that occurred to me. It was almost like I was anticipating it. I knew it was inevitable that my dog would pass due to his age. I didn't know my relationship was going to end but I did live in a lot of fear of it ending. This fear that I felt honestly felt worse than the rejection. I was living everyday to please him and not myself. It was draining and hard. Deep down I knew I wasn't happy and that it wasn't meant to be.

Now I am in the airport, crying obviously since I was broken up with two days ago. I wasn't planning on getting dumped on my trip back home. It must've been very apparent that I was upset because a guy came up to me and gave me a kinder surprise and tissues. It was nice. I'm still fucking depressed though.

For background; I am a fourth year nursing student and am extremely successful when it comes to grades and clinical. I put a lot of pride in how much energy I put into my work. I love and value each patient I work with. A lot of the time I watch my patients and listen to what they have to say. They have a lot of fear too. Similar to me that it overtakes their minds however, different to me in the sense that a lot of them are fighting for their lives. Although I feel like I am fighting for my life I am not, I am more so just fighting for a piece of myself that I have lost. I used to be an excited, energetic person. I have become a sad as fuck person now. That's the other thing. I usually don't swear a lot, now I am dropping f,s,b,c and d bombs. It's crazy. I am crazy, or atleast I feel like it. Basically what I'm saying is that I want to work to get the part of myself that I lost and perhaps gain some extra ones along the way. After all, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?