***Again, DO NOT READ if you don't want to know anything from the book. This may hint at a spoiler***
**TW: Suicide Attempt/Depression**
The moonlight was bright this night. So, so bright. Macau wondered if it was always like that. Maybe he just never noticed.
He had a hard time focusing lately, so it didn't surprise him that he hadn't thought of it before.
College was hard. Harder than he expected. He took his anti-depressants everyday, yet a lingering feeling just wouldn't go away.
He tried, really. He got help when Vegas was in a coma. He followed the doctor's orders and did what he was supposed to.
When Vegas woke up, Macau finally let out a sigh of relief. But for some reason, it didn't stop there.
Macau's whole life he felt inferior. He felt like he wasn't deserving of love from anyone, much less his father. Gun's death should've been a good thing to him. It should've given him a sense of happiness. But it didn't.
Gun's words and actions haunted him when he slept. He had nightmares that told him he would never be good enough, and that it wouldn't matter if he were dead or alive.
Sure, Macau had been told countless times that this wasn't true. But what did his therapist know? She didn't know him. No one truly did.
Alive or dead. Would it really matter?
His new little family was happy. He was happy with Vegas and Pete. They made him feel like everything would be okay.
But in the depths of his mind, Macau had no purpose. No dreams or goals to hang onto. No close friends that he could talk to or count on. No one would understand.
He was numb. He thought it was the medication. He had stopped taking it a week ago, but nothing changed.
Maybe he should've asked for a bigger dose. But would it make a difference?
What kind of life was he living when medication was his only way to be normal? He didn't want that kind of life.
He felt like a guinea pig, trying different pills to see which one would work. None of them did.
Before he knew it, he was just going with the motions. Not really having an interest in anything and not understanding why.
School was draining him. He didn't even like it. He just went to please his brother.
He would do anything for Vegas. But living? It was too much. Too much back and forth and nothing in between to help him breath.
"I am nothing." He whispered into the air on the rooftop of the hospital.
Vegas and Pete were out of the house, and Macau thought maybe he could get help here. But when he walked into the lobby, he changed his mind. Seeing all the sick and dying people with their loved ones made him feel empty. Why did he have to live happy and physically healthy while they suffered?
Life wasn't fair. It was harsh and relentless. He didn't want to face it anymore.
One foot, then the other slowly stepped onto the ledge. How easy it was for him to get here. No one batted an eye when he made his way to the roof. No one questioned him or his reasons. He was invisible, just as he had always been.
Vegas would be fine, he thought. He had Pete. They had each other.
Macau had no one, or at least that's how he felt.
He left them a letter. A short and sweet, "I'm sorry. It was no one's fault." He left it on the kitchen table for them to find when they got home. He turned his phone off, so that they wouldn't try to stop him if they found it first.
YOU ARE READING
Letting Go (MacauChay Oneshot)
Romance***Spoiler*** I read a couple things about the new VegasPete book and what may or may not be true spoilers, so read at your own risk. I wrote this to cope with what I read, and turn it into a happy ending. Nothing I read has been confirmed t...
