DOYIN

Chapter One

    I'd been looking at the same spot on the pristine white wall of the hospital's reception for over fifteen minutes, terrified to look anywhere else. I was afraid if I looked around, I would lock eyes with one of the women, and they would see me for who I truly was; a weakling. Or that I would lock eyes with the rude receptionist who looked at us with disdain, and judged us from the moment we walked in, and she would see right through me.

    I heard voices around me, but I hadn't really been listening. Even if I had tried to, they were low whispers from different corners. I wouldn't have been able to make out what they were saying. A few men were there too. Men who were caring, and reasonable enough to take responsibility for their actions. Men who were everything Chike was not. I stole glances, and caught glimpses of how they held their wives or girlfriends tenderly, comforting and reassuring them with soothing words and forehead kisses. I felt my chest squeeze, and my throat constrict.

    The spot I stared at on the wall was a brown stain. The only imperfection on the plain white vastness. So bold, you would barely miss it. It looked like the imprint of a finger from a careless person. Or maybe they were careful, but still made a mistake. The longer I stared at it, the more it resonated with me. Reminded me of myself. My life. The thing inside of me that had tainted my perfect world. The thing that I so badly wanted to get rid off. YOU.

    I felt terrible, I felt guilty, ashamed, but I had to do it. I couldn't afford not to. I heard the nurse walk in and call another name. I looked at her. She was tall and slender, like a model. Dark and very beautiful. She wore a smile so big, it showed her perfect dentition, like she was in a toothpaste commercial. I remember wondering why she was so happy. How could one be so happy in this kind of place. We were commiting sin. A forbidden sin, and she was smiling. I wondered if she had done it before. Laid down on her back, knees up, and legs spread wide open. I wondered if she must've felt guilt. I decided not. Someone who looked that cheery here must obviously be an expert. My naive brain didn't think that her smile was supposed to ease our tension and nerves, calm us down. I judged her mercilessly. There I was, scared of being judged, but judging another person I knew nothing about.

    The lady who was sitting beside us got up. It was her name that had been called. My heart jumped to my mouth and my spit suddenly tasted like bile. We were going to be called next.

    "Doyin you are squeezing my hand." Yaaya said gently, and I released my grip. I didn't even know I'd been holding her hand. I was lost in thoughts.

    Earlier that morning, Sarima had tried to talk me out of my decision. She stood at the door of our room and watched me while I struggled with my thick fro, a determined look on her face. I saw her through the corner of my eye, but chose to ignore her presence. I was in no mood to hear whatever she had to say. Especially as I was already tense, and knew she would only try to discourage me.

    Sarima was the eldest child in the house. Perhaps that's why she became the self acclaimed advice giver. She felt like she had the responsibility of ensuring we were on track. Which was funny because, she herself was no saint. Worse, she was terrible at covering her tracks. We always had to cover for her.

    Minutes passed, and she still hadn't said anything. Her staring was begining to irritate me. I had successfully combed through my hair, and had it in a neat bun, so I turned to face her.

    "I'm listening."

    "Yaaya told me you people are going to do it today." She said, an expectant look on her face.

    I kept mute. If Yaaya had already told her, what more did she want to hear from me? She opened her mouth to say something, but we heard footsteps approaching, so she paused. Chibu passed by us and retrieved her headphones from the bed. I caught the suspicious look she gave us before leaving, but it didn't bother me. Sarima watched her walk down the corridor, and into the living room, before facing me and continuing.