Dear Enola,

ALONE

Dear Enola,

I feel alone, so alone.

I feel so naked while everyone is wrapped in warm cashmere.

I feel exposed to a world that takes me for granted.

Naked to a world that views me as less than dirt under their shoe.

Trapped like a caged lion.

Suppressed like a genie in a bottle.

I feel all these things, I want to shout it out for someone to hear.

In fact, I have been shouting it out for someone to hear me.

Maybe I am just not enough for anyone to take notice off.

Maybe I am just the ordinary in extraordinary.

It's depressing, so depressing for me. My eyes are filled to the brim with unshed tears and my heart squashed to the maximum with nothing but pain and anger. My voice screams loudly like a siren asking for help, ANY kind of help but nobody answers. They ignore me like one would ignore a mad man. Am I not enough?!

I keep having this recurring dream that everyone has moved on to higher places; that everyone has reached their goal and I am far behind, stagnant. I am struggling to fulfil my own dreams because I never had any support system. Nobody is looking back to help! Nobody cares! Why would they?!

For years, I had thought that staying invisible was the best option for me; to ignore the feeling of ever getting hurt but now I am second guessing.

I want to put myself out there for the world to see.

I want to have friends walking with me to class as we chat about absolute nonsense.

I want to be invited for parties and be the centre of attention.

I want to be the other me that is buried deep inside. The other me that has been suppressed for too long.

You see, the unfortunate curse of being an introvert like myself is that you shy away from society. You know everything yet there seems to be nobody trustworthy enough to be let into your mind, to share the burden with you.

The curse is that like an empath, you can detect the feelings of everyone around you ninety-nine percent of the time and it's absolutely DRAINING!

At first, you think that it's only your heart that you are keeping locked in a box but slowly as time proceeds; it gets more than that. Unconsciously, you trap yourself in a titanium box in belief that nobody would hurt you.

It's that protective instinct that now limits me from being social, from putting myself out there.

There are several voices of DOUBT taunting me in my brain, telling me that I am not good enough and never would be.

Pushing me to edge every single time in hopes of drowning me in depression continuously until I think that the only solution is DEATH.

The thing is that, I know how it feels to be hurt and betrayed by another through someone else. The thought of it happening to me directly, just isn't appealing ... so protective instincts kicks in.

Maybe my explanation sounds stupid but it's what has been pushing me away from those negative thoughts that haunt me.

I wish people would understand what is going in my brain every single second.

I wish you would understand the complexity of it all.

I wish this wasn't my normal but it is.

I am learning to accept that and so should society because I am just as normal as them with something EXTRA, with some EXTRA SPICE.

LOVE RONNIE