yes to heaven

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There is no artsy and clever opening, There is no beginning sentence. Your mind is calm in the decision. In sadness and sometimes in fear. Our minds were made to be comfortable, so this is obvious, but to only push your body over the edge, to go past the natural human alarm system to fulfill the decision. That moment of fear is all you need to worry about until you get sent to relief. Everything begins and ends with a bang, either silent and subtle, or loud and proud, humans end with a loud bang. Fear and rejection fuel our uneasiness of death, but comfort and pain fuel our desire.

So what is the decision? Nothing will matter in the end, I know that already, but how do I avoid going out with a horrible bang, a loud one that shocks other stars and disrupts the natural flow of the fucked up solar system around me?

Why is the easy way out all of the sudden so hard? People will call me selfish even though they will not think of the countless hours of planning and thought I put into my final decision. How is that fair?

Do I even want death now? What if my Nana was right, all suicidal people go to hell? I don't wanna regret my decision, even though thinking about it right now makes me feel guilty.

I shut my computer and head upstairs. Maybe sleep will clear my head. My reflection races past me in the mirror as I go up the stairs, bare feet planting on the hardwood. One more step and I am in my bedroom, jumping into my bed. I love my bed. I hate that I dissociate walking through my hallway every time, something I won't miss in death, but I wonder if my dead brain can carry on some pleasure centers to my soul so I could take this feeling with me when I go.

That is so unfair. I think about death a lot, and one thing I have thought about is if humans truly knew what happened after death, they would encourage it even, only if it was good. Humans are selfish creatures, holding onto lifeless bodies to pump them with blood, make them last one more day so they can have a couple more living seconds of comfort that will be gone when they, too, die. It's all so fucking stupid. It's goofy, it's disappointing, it's silly, it's unfair. All it truly is is unfair.

I usually think of something random like this before the hallucinations come in, and then I sleep. The hallucination is always more random than the thought before it. 705 of people have Hypnagogic Hallucinations at least once, but not as often and wacky as mine, just another fucking mind problem to add to my long list.

I miss the hospital. I miss the comfort and the innocence, I miss the sterile walls and bedrooms and clothes, I miss the foggy windows looking out onto country and farmland. I miss being that crazy. The hospital is my second home, a home that everyone hates but me. But if I fail it will be a cool little sorry vacation. I saw a monster in a hospital once...