Not Guilty

Zara.

It was a beautiful mess. Zara spilled bottles of poster paint on the canvas, then dipped her hands into purple color and made prints on the corners. Stepping a little away she squinted at it . “ Do you think it looks ok?” she questioned.
Dr. Nayak smiled at her. Pulling his hand out of his pocket he pointed to a particular spot, “ what made you add black there?”

Zara thought for a while. “ it was looking too bright.”
Dr. Nayak patted her back and sent her over to the clay modeling section. Zara found pottery and clay more interesting and needed no persuasion to join the session there.

The feel of clay in her hands, soft, willing to be made into shapes, or pots and pans, was very calming to her agitated mind. Lots of people and hands were together at work there.
Their instructor Mr. Neeraj watched over them and let them experiment with their art.

Zara was 25 and was a content writer in an advertising agency. She usually worked for ten hours a day, more to keep herself busy than anything else. Usually, the first one to arrive and the last one to leave, she was a self-designated workaholic.
While other people relaxed at home or partied on weekends, she chose to be at the activity center. Her empty house made weekends very difficult and this was a good escape.

As she made patterns on the clay tray she had just made, Vipin who worked alongside her, tried to strike up a conversation. Again. Vipin was a nice guy. Tall good looking, probably the same age as her and rocked the rugged look he sported. He was a software engineer in Infotech and a perfect match for any eligible girl. The only issue being, she wasn't interested at all. Neither in the friendship he was aspiring for nor for any other relationship.

Social etiquette made her tolerate him and reply. This she did to the bare minimum.
“ Hey, Zara. I see that piece is looking lovely.”
Zara didn't even look up as she muttered a “ thank you.”
“ Can you make those fish scales patterns on mine too?’ he asked handing her his clay cup.
It was very difficult for her to say “ No” , a trait that had often got her into serious trouble and now had ruined her entire life. She felt his gaze on her and her hair stood on end. She was sure he had noticed the goosebumps in places her green t-shirt did not cover her. She did a quick job with the patterns , handed it to him and got up.

“ You're leaving? You just came.” he asked.
She nodded and scurried away towards the oven to have her work ‘baked’ . She then thanked Mr. Neeraj and left. Vipin stood with his feet glued to the ground, regretting his move. Atleast she would have stayed longer, he told himself if only he had let her be.

It had been two months since he had joined the art center. Zara was already there on the day he first walked in. in one of the rare conversations they had, she told him of having joined just a couple of weeks earlier than him.

He was besotted with her totally. Since the day he had seen her poring over the canvas looking lost, he felt like a giddy-headed teenager looking for any opportunity to strike up a conversation. Her curly hair and light brown eyes made her very attractive he thought. Vipin sighed dreaming of what spending time with her would be like.

Zara walked back home. A handpainted tote holding together all her art supplies hung carelessly from her shoulder. She passed by the Baskin robbins outlet and her stomach knotted up at the memories that came surging back. She stopped and took deep breaths, the way dr. neeraj had instructed her to. She looked for a place on the pavement and sat down trying to concentrate on her breath and calm down. Passers-by stopped and offered help which she politely refused.  A few minutes later, she made her way back home. Zara noted down the exact time of the panic attack and the date. Also the trigger. She would have to tell Dr. Nayak the details the following weekend.

She made herself a cup of coffee, put up her feet on the table, and leaned back on the sofa. She closed her eyes and tried not to think of it all. The way life had changed suddenly on one rainy evening was so difficult to accept. Zara gulped down the coffee and dialled a number that she wasn't really comfortable with. That of her mother.

Her parents had moved to their ancestral home in Coorg about 7 hours drive from Bangalore where she still lived. Retired from his job as a bank manager, her father Jayaram Shetty and mother Neela had retreated to a quiet life after the incident.

“ Appa ‘ she said as her call was answered. “ how are you?”
“ all well “ he replied curtly and enquired about her well being. Equally formal exchanges with her mother occured and a quick good night later the phone call ended.

Zara placed a tick mark against  the note which said ' call mom and dad' , in her planner. One more task done, she said to herself and continued watching TV. Her cook had prepared dinner and laid it out in the table. She was a blessing as Zara never felt like doing anything at home. The cleaner would sweep mop and do the laundry in the mornings while she was at work. A single bedroom flat was home now. Although it was much smaller than the accommodation she earlier enjoyed when Amma and Appa were around, it offered her the minimum amount of comfort she sought.

A simple dinner and she was ready to hot the sack. She said a quick prayer. Did she have to? Dr. Nayak used to ask her to list out her blessings. " We as she even left with any. She thought long and hard and decided that her job and stable financial condition were blessings indeed. The only thing that offered her the freedom she enjoyed. That helped her get on with life the way she deemed suitable with her mental condition.

All well?
Her mobile buzzed. It was Vipin. He had got her number some days back, from the common group they were a part of.

Yes. Why?
She made it clear that she was not in for small talk.

I saw you stop on the way for a while. Was watching you.

Oh damn! He'd seen her. She felt so vulnerable at the moment. But obviously couldn't show him that.

Am fine thanks. Just had a moment.

Alright. Good night.
He wrote and ended it there.

Why couldn't people leave her alone? Was it so difficult to understand that she wanted to be by herself. She had nothing against Vipin. It was her. Just her and the issues she was dealing with.

Should she pop that pill or fall asleep on her own. After a quiet battle in her mind she decided to count sheep till sleep would get the better of her.