What is Love?

Finding You

When I first arrive to Oregon a couple months ago I didn't expect my life to be the way it was. I'm barely hanging by a thread, fighting against my sanity. I'm going to be homeless soon but you don't know that. And it's okay. I don't want you to stress. I enjoy the peace you bring far too much.

I looked over at him as he slept next to me. Comfortable and warm. It's November and it gets insanely cold, especially to me. I'm from Arizona I'm not used to Oregons climate yet. But, I admire you. You make me so happy. I plan to tell you how I feel eventually but I'm scared.

I traced my fingers along his back as he was sleeping. And thought about the places we've gone together in the last month. He's taken me to 2 beaches and a beautiful hiking trail not far from here. I thought about my job. I work as a construction house cleaner and I really love my job. Despite being out of work for a week due to holidays and my tire getting blown out. My job brings me peace. But not the kind of peace that you do. You help keep me sane, it feels like. You helped me fall inlove with myself again. Fighting against my insecurities and issues, I feel normal with you. The way you make me laugh is intoxicating. I love it. But all the more I know it's gonna hurt so much worse when you leave.

I've been in Oregon for 2 months now. So far I haven't gotten anything right besides this job. I'm scared of being on the streets here soon but it's life. I've been at the bottom and crawled to the top before I'll be able to do it again. But this time, I'm not sure if I'll be able to. I'm tired. Drained. Beat. It's hard to find motive to do anything anymore.

'You are my everyday.'  I froze for a second. I didn't know what to say. I don't even remember what I said. 'You make me happy too.' Please stop telling me these things. I can't handle you making me fall in love so quickly and easily. Cause when you leave it's just going to hurt so much worse...

October 11, 2022

I had just got back from hanging out with a guy I met on tinder. His name is Cam. He does drugs and he somehow gets me to do them with him. Only twice in the last month. But now I'm back home. Broken and alone. But atleast I have the neighbor boy, right? He's kind and sweet. I enjoy his company.

October 18, 2022

Well boy was I wrong about the neighbor boy. He ended up being kind of a psycho. Hurt overflowed through my heart again. I decided it's the last time I'll let anyone in my heart. My brain will now be in charge of everything these days. I have a dog now a red husky. She's lovely I love her. She gets along great with the kitty cat.

October 25, 2022

My roommate came home today. Told me he wanted to hear from me and to message him. A friend of the psycho's. So I did. I messaged him. It's been a few hours with no response. Oh well. Doesn't bother me any. Like I said nothing hurts anymore.

October 26, 2022

*Ding* I got a message back from him. He wanted to smoke together. 'I'll be on my way.' I messaged him before leaving to go pick him up. We hung out a little bit before he said 'I don't want a relationship or anything like you and psycho were doing. I just want a regular friendship.' I nodded in agreement. 'Yeah that's fine I agree with you. No worries.' I smiled and we kept smoking.

November 5, 2022

I walked the dog and checked my oil a bit early today. I got the dog ready and in the car before I headed over to grab you. We've been hanging out a lot the past week and a half. We've built a great friendship and now I'm taking you to The Dalles to go visit your friend for a week. Im excited for our road trip. A few hours later we left to take you halfway to your buddy. When I dropped you off I was quite sad...