a wound-hiding smile

Part 1/1

i open my eyes and look peacefully at the city still full of life. night hangs over Seoul and engulfs the skyscrapers that illuminate the busy but quite calm streets. the wind rubs on trembling ears and the rain has finally stopped. my umbrella will therefore have been of no use to me and will just observe this moment out of time. my feet are on the edge of the building, a few inches from the emptiness. i am fully aware of the danger, but remain motionless, confident. my still open wounds on my shoulders and my thighs hurt me, but not for long. my cutter will finally stay put away and will no longer be used. i take a breath and observe the city again.

a memory comes back.
"no no, i swear i'm fine, i'm just a little tired, it will pass..."
it was a few days ago, we were eating and the group mentioned my condition more than alarming, especially after bang chan discovered my scars on my shoulders.
"i.n, you've been saying that for days, we're worried, you're eating less than before, you're pale, you've weakened a lot, you know..."
i stood still, despite his shameful truths about my health.
"i didn't think it was that bad, i thought you were just going through a bad phase but with your repetitive fainting and your scars, i'm seriously worried..."
"you have scars?..." han said.
they all looked at me and therefore understood that it was really wrong. i felt so bad.
"but why did you have to tell them?!"
i hit the table at the end of my tether and the whole room shook. they were all looking at me and i saw pity in their eyes.
"i swear i try, i try to smile, to be positive, but what's the point?! i can't take it anymore, i'm tired of all this, of having to pretend... and why did you tell them?! you all will never see me like you used to, and-"
"i.n, calm down."
this is exactly when i realized that i was going way too far. bang chan had seen it in my eyes. i was terribly sorry. i could only put my elbows on the table and cover my face with my frail hands for a few seconds, then go out of the room. i couldn't talk to them for a few days.
i made my first unsuccessful attempt that night, a passerby prevented me from throwing myself on the highway. i concluded that getting rammed to death was not the right option because the driver might have gone to jail, so i had to jump off a building at night.
after that, i kept my smile and had perfected myself even more in the art of lying and distorting my emotions. they were all happy to see me in better condition, even if sometimes i had a hard time hiding my true emotions in front of my leader and the most persuasive ones, like lee know or seungmin.

back to reality, my phone vibrates and i hesitate before answering. i only think for a few seconds then dissociate without realizing it. i try to consider all the possibilities of this call, thinking of get out of it. i realise that the phone no longer vibrates, i missed the call. panicking for me reason, i type at lightning speed and dial his number. the phone, still in front of me, starts vibrating again, he's calling me back. i wait a few seconds, take a deep breath, then pick up and put the phone to my ear.
- hello?
- hey i.n! the group wants to go to the restaurant where we ate last time, you're coming?
- yea, i'll see, i say trying to sound happy, even if it takes a lot of effort.
- are you still at the apartment?
- no, i'm at the agency, i had something to do.
this is of course false but i don't want him to worry.
- ok... everything's ok for you?
- yea i'm fine...
i find difficult to hide the fear that grabs me by the throat but still manages to articulate a few words.
- ...are you sure? your voice is shaking...
i open my mouth to speak but this time nothing comes. stress and anxiety lodge in my throat and cannot get out.
- hey if it's not ok, you can talk to me about it, i totally understand...
no, he doesn't understand. he can't understand. no one can understand. i'm mentally and physically exhausted, standing up is getting harder and harder, every day is another step to overcome and i can't stand it. life feels so weird for me.
- ok thank you...
- you're welcome, it's normal, when are you joining us?
i know i'm not going to go at the restaurant but we still decide on an hour.
- jeongin, don't worry, you'll be fine, i had a hard time too and i wish i had someone with me, i don't want to see you like this...
i feel that he is trying somehow to reassure me but that won't change anything. his calm words and his slow speech ring in my ear but that doesn't prevent my heart from speeding up for no reason and my breathing from stopping.
i am afraid that he will see me, that he will understand that this is his last call with me, that he will see my distress, i am so afraid but i can't explain why precisely.
he continues to speak but my brain is no longer listening, i put my phone aside and try to breathe normally but my legs bend and i end up squatting in front of the road, my hand over my mouth, so as not to make a noise. i can't even cry from the shock of the amount of emotions.
- in any case, if you have a problem, tell me, i will listen to you, he ends with these reassuring words in normal times. do you feel a bit better?
i take a breath, jump up and spout my words at lightning speed.
- yea, thank you so much, you are a really good person, channie-hyung. i gotta go now-
- oh okay-
- see you later and sorry!
i hang up and remain motionless, almost out of breath. i slowly put my phone away and rest my frail arms along my emaciated body.