screams in secrets

Him.

 [Before reading, please take notice there will be some difficult subjects being discussed throughout this story, such as self-harm/s3xual assault/depression/alcoholism/sex/etc]
                                                                             
                                                                                             enjoy.



 I remember so vividly how my cries sounded that night. That boy I fell so deeply in love with, the love of my life, the one whom I thought was my soulmate, completely shattered my heart. I hear every tick the clock makes each second that goes by. warm tears dripping rapidly down my cheeks as I sniffle and sob loudly into my pillows. I miss him, his scent, his smile, his soft lips. I craved him. 

How delusional I was. 

 I sobbed, staring at pictures and screenshots of me and him. My breath shuttered, "I can't be torturing myself like this. He doesn't want me anymore, He made that clear, didn't he..?"  I take a slow, deep breath before pressing down on each picture, preparing to delete them all. My throat runs dry along with my tears, my cheeks and nose red and tingling with soreness from rubbing with tissues. "I hate him." I utter softly under my breath, pressing on the trash can and deleting evidence of our relationship ever taking place, I knew he'd miss me. He's a loser and doesn't know how to treat anybody right. 

 My mouth curls into a smirk, my pupils dilating with hatred as each picture disappeared slowly from my camera roll, I eventually stand up and sniffle, grabbing my jacket, putting it on without a care. a huff of breath leaves from my mouth as I step outside, going for a walk as I take a pack of cigarettes out, grabbing one, placing it gently between my lips before lighting it. I inhale slowly then exhale. "This is what I needed." I giggle softly under my breath, smoke leaving from my mouth in the cold, winter air. I smile a little and take another hit of my cigarette. 

 -Three weeks later-

 Now I know what you're thinking. There's no way you could ever move on faster than a month of being single. Well guess what motherfucker, I'm one of those lucky people. After I broke up with my ex, Jay, I eventually realized I never needed him in the first place, I was dressing the way I wanted to, acting and creating whatever I wanted without harsh judgement. Although I felt happier, I couldn't help but be curious on what he was doing. I knew he was losing friends, he told that to my cousin when she asked him how he was doing and so on. I felt happier with my boyfriend, but I knew Jay has been up to something the whole time, I feel some sort of tension when we bring each other up in conversation, I know he hates me, I just know it.

 I lay breathlessly on Christian's bed, it's only been four weeks since I broke up with Jay. getting affection from someone else is still hard to contemplate, or even trust. My arms wrapped tightly around Christian's broad shoulders, legs lifted against his hips. I can feel myself melting into his touch but I tend to crave the touch of the one I used to love, or maybe it's just me wanting more attention? Maybe I just don't feel the same way I did with Jay? Maybe this isn't what I wanted? many questions and insecurities cloud my mind. At first I felt a little unsure of how things would work out with me and Christian, I didn't want to make what me and Christian had into some sort of rebound relationship. I knew I was already mentally detached from Jay, I knew I could handle myself without someone as toxic as him in my life. I wasn't sure at first of how I felt with Christian, although I adore him greatly, I never want to put him into a position where I'm sobbing over someone I used to be with, that'd simply be too cruel. I may have been unsure of our relationship in the beginning because of space, but I know for sure that he's someone who deserves all the love in the world and so much more. Sometimes I would wonder if he fakes how he feels towards me, almost as if it's too good to be true..

 I'm not familiar  to this..

 His warm fingertips gently caress over my hips, moving down to my thigh. I stay still, breathing slowly with an increased heartbeat. At first, I saw touch as only a way to be used, to be placed on a pedestal, to be nothing but a mannequin or a doll for others to touch and abuse. But, I wasn't so sure with Christian. His touches, his soft voice and sweet words comforting me through my conflicting thoughts. I started feeling more comfortable with being held, I didn't feel afraid to hold him or ask for things I wanted. He always checked up on me, always adored my hobbies and the things I was into. For someone with my type of style, I wouldn't think that any other man would like me. Jay used to think I was trying too hard, when in reality, he was the one thinking he had a reputation bigger than his dick. Which I find pretty hilarious. The way I would describe the love and care I get from Christian is nothing other than heavenly. He made sure I was satisfied and happy at all times like I would for him. But, this only makes me wonder,

does the abused really become the abuser..?

 Not receiving enough attention, love or care, being manipulated and brainwashed into thinking someone you'd simply die for loves you, certainly changes people. I'm unable to remember how many times I've cried, how many times I've decided to grab a blade over an argument, how many times I stabbed my own self in the back for a man who didn't even love me. I knew I had become brainwashed into thinking I needed him since a month after he broke up with me, he seemed to be a bigger red flag and continues to do so even when we're not together.

-December 6th 2022- 

 Today I've been informed by a couple individuals that Jay has been asking for pictures, nudes, and videos of me and his former ex. I haven't been able to contact him and been healing throughout the time I spent being alone or with Christian. My body fills with excitement and utter disgust as my friend explains in detail what Jay talks about and what he begs for with each picture being given to him. He would beg and plead for pictures of me, my  breasts, my thighs, my body, receive them, then go on and jerk himself off before replying. I shutter in disgust, yet a sliver of confidence slowly grew inside of me from the new information. I think to myself about the things he'd "warn" me about when we were still in a relationship. to be specific, he'd say he's just a really h0rny motherfucker from time to time. I knew exactly what he meant after what he did to me last winter. I've definitely felt fear before, but not the kind of fear he gave me that night.

 I smirk subtly to myself after reading the messages my friend has sent me about my ex, "what is this new feeling?" It felt as if everything in my brain clicked. I wasn't missing Jay at all.

 I now hated him completely.

 I found that to be the most powerful feeling I've ever had to deal with. Because imagine being in love with someone who you thought was your world, yet they're so broken, they're someone so selfish and so worried about their reputation. Only worried about what they want and their sexual desires simply because you were too delusional and being brainwashed and lied to consistently to mask the disgusting fantasies and the urges to hurt/assault you (still fucking happened anyway.) Still giving them all the love and care anybody could ever want, begging them to stay. Just to completely turn around and hope they burn in hell. I found myself feeling more confident, yet a bit worried and disgusted. Just a whole new feeling that I couldn't and still can't understand to the fullest.

 I thought to myself on what I should do, what's going to happen, and if I should even address it to him. As I'm typing, I'm still curious as to what exactly I should do. But no need to worry, I've got a pretty good plan put together other than figuring out what I would say.

 but if there's one thing I know for sure..

 



I'm not letting him leave a single fingerprint on my body.

~to be continued (very very soon ;))