A typical teenage life

11/1/2023

I can't tell what hurt the most... the physical pain in the side of my ribs or the hurt ranching feeling of my heart being torn apart for the inside. Sitting on my bed silently crying to not wake my sister had become a daily acurence, wherever I end up I still finish the day the same way, trying to hold in the tears, and failing miserably. Warm salty streams of water flowing down my face, is this all life was? Getting hurt healing feeling good then being hit back down? For every good thing there felt like there was 3 more bad things happening. I look back of how strong I have been and skof at how I'm handling things in the present. Sitting on my bed with a pounding headache was now a daily acurence, where did I go wrong, why was this happening to me. Sure I've done some things wrong steal, lie sneak but there are people out there who have done worse and are living great, when will it be my turn. I try to imagine my future my cat my own  small home a loving girlfriend, but it all feels so far away, why can't I reach it, no matter how hard I try it just seems impossible to reach. When I go to school I feel the pressure to be perfect, great grades in half the time it should take. I guess it's my fault I'm the one that pushed myself to that expectation, little did people know why, not to be successful but to distract myself from the fact that I don't want to be here.

So many experiences... so many good but all clouded by the bad the trauma of growing up lower class with a physically and mentally sick parent, your step father emotionally abusing the whole family, those memories stick with you forever. No matter how hard my parents try to make up for past mistakes all I remember is the nights I sat in fear, wondering where my mother was, why I wasn't good enough for my Step Father. What hurts the most is I know I can get through my pain I'm just so tired I'm not sure I want to anymore, how much more of this can I handle, the heartbreak the pain the tears, how much before I completely fall apart. I feel so close to that cliff, standing on the edge, one wrong step and I feel I'll be gone, but if that's the truth what was the point of all this pain. Why have I stuck around this long, I have this feeling in the back of my throat that it's never going to get better. On the other hand my heart is telling me I can't hurt the people around me, I can't hurt my Mum, my dad ,my sisters, my aunt, I can't leave me cat wondering why her mum never came back for her. Somehow I find more pain in knowing that they will miss me, feel pain, guilt so many emotions. I wouldn't be here to see it but I can't just leave people in pain, even if they are part of the reason I want to go.

I've loved so many people my primary school best friends, my ex girlfriend, high school friends, but I never seem to keep them. Running back to the toxic people of my life for years, being treated like trash, told I'm to dumb, fat and ugly, I was to young to fully understand those words but they stick with me forever. Even years later still playing apart of my life, part of the reason I tried to starve myself, but no one noticed. Of course not no one notices if your over 50kg, the reason I bit my arms as a form to conflict pain, to remind myself that I'm not worth anything, just dumb, fat, ugly trash. One of these people followed me to high school influencing my actions, telling people not to talk to me, isolating me from the people around me, and finally when I though I was free of you, you came back into my life. I started to feel dependent on you, turning to you before any decision, you manipulated me, made me feel useless without you. I can't entirely blame you, your life wasn't the best either, being cramped into a two bedroom house with six of you must of been hard, growing up on dependent on stealing your food, it was hard for you. Which is why I have sympathy for you now, you made me hate myself, want to end my own life, but now I'm mature enough to look back and feel pity on you. I don't forgive you and I don't think I ever will. You where the root of so many of my problems but it's in the past now, I spent years stalking your social media, watching you grow up, being insecure about how beautiful you are but I'm done now, no more. As for the other you grew up you apologised after all these years, and I tried to make it work, but I've realised I can't heal with you on my mind, so (L) I appreciate your apology and I genuinely believe your a good person now I don't think I can forgive you again.