Not Okay

    Drowning. That's the first word that comes to mind as she lays in her bed with her pill bottle contemplating whether or not she should just end it all right here right now. Why? Everyone may be wondering because she's tired. Mentally and emotionally drained. She keeps going through one heartbreak after another. The biggest one that happened a couple months back was her mom passing away and thats one of the main things that started her suicidal thoughts. She knows she needs help but she's scared to ask for it because she's scared of being judged or looked at as weak or people just telling her "oh you'll be okay" yeah but what if she genuinely isn't? She knows she has a doctor's appointment coming up where she has to take this survey for her depression because she's on medication and she figures that would be her way of asking for help without actually asking for it. She sits and contemplates this for a moment. "If i do this they're most likely gonna send me to a mental hospital" but that's what she needs right? Help? She decides to sleep on it. Her doctor's appointment is tomorrow. She puts the pill bottle down and dries her tears and rolls over and tries to go to bed. The next morning she's sitting in her doctor's office with her Grandma waiting to be called back. A few minutes later they call her back and her Grandma follows. They do their routine check up and hand her the survey. She answers everything as honestly as she can. She gets to the question that asks "have you had suicidal thoughts thoughts in the last year" she hesitates then circles "yes" the doctor takes the paper and checks it. He comes in only a couple minutes later and she feels her breath catch in her throat. "She needs to go to the mental hospital now" and then he asks her "do you have a plan to kill yourself?" She looks over at her Grandma who's already looking at her and shakes her head "yes" her Grandma starts crying and her doctor asks "what's your plan?" She looks down and quietly says "I plan to try and overdose on my depression medication" . She starts crying and hears her Grandma sobbing. "I really think you need to go to the mental hospital, they'll help you" she sighs and shakes her head saying "okay". Her doctor sends her medical files over to the mental hospital and they leave. She gets into the car and tells her Grandma "I don't really wanna go" but she ends up convincing her to go. Later that day they make their way to the mental hospital and go get her evaluation to determine if she needs to be inpatient or outpatient. They ask her all these questions that she answers with one hundred percent truth and finally they come to a decision. "We're putting you in inpatient because we feel you're a harm to yourself and others" she already knew that was gonna be the outcome. She texts her best friend about what's going on and explains that she'll be away for a bit. She gives all her belongings to her Grandma, her shoes, her jewelry, and her phone and anything else she's not allowed to have why she's here. It takes a few hours to get her a bed but they eventually do. It's late by the time she has to say her goodbyes to her Grandma. It's been a long day and she's tired and her Grandmas tired. The people finally take her up to her room. She takes her medications and goes to settle down in her room. She's told about a "pencil restriction" because someone tried stabbing someone else with a pencil so they are only allowed to have pencils in group and we can't bring them into our rooms. Shes also on suicide watch because of the fact thats the reason shes here to begin with. She tosses and turns all night because the lights in the hallway are too bright and the night watch is walking up and down her hallway and there's people talking. As the sleepless night drags on she lays there wondering how she let things get this bad and how she hopes staying here will help her get better. As she gets lost in her thoughts she finally drifts off to sleep. The next morning she's woken up by the people in charge of her floor and she's told to shower and get ready to go downstairs for breakfast. She meets her roommate and they get along pretty well. She gets in the shower why someone literally sits outside the bathroom door waiting for her to get done. The bathroom reminds her too much of the bathroom she used at the hospital when her mom was dying. It gives her flashbacks but she tries to keep it under control as the tears start forming. She gets in the shower and can't seem to get the water where it's not extremely hot. The water pressure feels like she's literally showering in a power washer and it's very uncomfortable. She gets out of the shower as fast as she can. She throws her clothes on and frowns at her bra. It was one of her good Victoria's Secret bras and now it's ruined because they cut the underwire out of it the night before when they literally strip searched her like she was a criminal or smuggling drugs into the facility. They told her the "underwire was removed for safety reasons" the underwire was literally sewed into the bra but whatever. She puts the rest of her clothes on and does whatever else she needs to. She puts on her "crazy socks" as everyone calls them. You know the non-slip ones? Yeah "crazy socks" she laughs to herself and walks outside and goes to stand in line to go downstairs. They go downstairs in a single file line and she sees the food and it all looks absolutely disgusting but they told her that if she doesn't eat that can cause her to be here even longer. So she sacrifices because she doesnt wanna be here longer than she needs to be. She forces herself to eat listening to all the voices and conversations going on around her. People talking about how they ended up here. Where they're from. And even in a mental hospital she still feels alone. Trying to keep herself from making any "close friends'' because one she has a hard time trusting anyone and two she was told when she got here that they aren't allowed to exchange numbers or anything when she's here because i guess it's not good to befriend the people here because they can "relapse" or cause you to "relapse" or something like that. Therefore she doesn't see the point in befriending anyone. Once breakfast is over they go back upstairs and into the group room or whatever. They just sit there talking about mental health and things like that. She ends up getting a composition notebook and starts using it as a "daily writer" notebook where she writes about her days being here. A few hours go by. They went to lunch and had snack time. She even got to speak to her Grandma for a while. She sits in the group room and suddenly her name gets called and she walks over to the person who called it. She introduces herself as her doctor. They talk about what's going on with her. She tells her that she thinks her depression medication isn't working and how she's having nightmares. Her doctor diagnosed her with PTSD. she thinks to herself "oh just another mental illness that has control over her feelings and her life". Her doctor tells her that they're gonna slowly take her off her zoloft and put her on a low dose of Lexapro. They also decide to prescribe her with Klonopin for her nightmare and insomnia. She thinks to herself "great now i have to take 3 medications every day instead of 2". Her doctor tells her that once they take her off her zoloft and start her on lexapro they'll decide when she can be released and she has to see a therapist everyday that she's here. Her doctor tells her that she'll check in on her every once in a while. She goes back into the group room and continues with what she was doing. Listening to everything going on around her and praying this all works for her in the end. A few days pass and the same things happen every day. Her mood is getting better day by day the suicidal thoughts slowly subsiding with every day that passes by. She gets to see her Grandma today for visitation. She talks to her everyday. She's been here but hasn't seen her since she got admitted. She goes downstairs to the gym area and sees her Grandma. She walks over and hugs her. Her grandma tells her that she looks better and they just sit and talk for the time being. She tells her grandma she's supposed to be getting released soon. Finally it's time to go back upstairs. She says her goodbyes and heads back up. A few hours later she takes her medications and falls asleep. A few days later she's told she can go home. She has to go to the partial hospital program for a few hours before she can actually go home. She's supposed to go to this program everyday after she's completely released but school starts in a few weeks and it's her senior year and she doesnt wanna miss it so she doesn't end up going back. Finally it's time for her to go home. She and her Grandma have to talk to someone before she can leave. They're told they can't have guns in the house and her Grandma has to put up her pills where she can't find them. She steps outside and takes everything in considering she's been "locked up" for a week and three days. They get home and she quite literally flops onto her bed. She's glad to be back home.

Hey its Alexis this was an experience I hated so much but in the end i'm glad I got the help i needed because imagine if i wouldn't of? I probably wouldn't be here writing this right now. The reason i wrote about my experience in a mental hospital is because i want people to know that just because you asked for help doesn't mean you're weak, it doesn't get you judged and you should never be afraid to ask for help of course i didn't exactly ask for it I showed my doctor through my depression survey that I needed it.  And he helped me by sending me to a place that could help me although I didn't even wanna go at first. But my grandma convinced me to. Know that you're not alone by any means.               

Yours Truly, Alexis St James