⚠️Eating disorder, self harm, language⚠️
I had always struggled with eating. I was never fat, mind you, just the opposite. But that's just not how I saw myself. I saw myself as fat, ugly, unlovable. You'd think, once I started dating Eddie Munson, the sweet, crazy metalhead, that it would get better. HA! Imagine.
Eddie was so good to me. So, so good. But I couldn't help thinking, he'll never love me like this. I need to change, or he's going to leave me. So I tried my damn hardest to change, to lose weight, to stop eating. And of course, I had to do it without him noticing.
There were times when I would make myself eat, because I knew he was watching, and I would excuse myself right after to go puke it all up. And he never noticed. Or so I thought...
It got worse and worse. I started hurting myself, taking knives to my skin when I know he wasn't around, and hiding them in places I knew he wouldn't look when he was. I started trying to avoid affection. I knew if he hugged me I would break down. I knew if he tried to hold my hands he would see my wrists. I knew if we had sex he would see everything. At this point, you could see my ribs. I was fading, and I didn't even notice. I was numb.
One day, it all changed. Eddie came home early... and I didn't notice until it was too late. I was in the bathroom, slicing the blade over my skin, sobbing. "Stupid!" I screamed at the mirror. "Stupid! YOU'RE JUST SO FUCKING STUPID! YOU'RE SO FUCKING UGLY, YOU'RE SO FUCKING ANNOYING, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU!" I fell to my knees, dropping the blade and watching the blood drip, drip, drip down my arm.
As I knelt there, the door slammed open. "Baby, baby are you-" I jerked my head up to see Eddie, open mouthed, staring at me. He quickly came to his senses and ran over to me, grabbing the knife and throwing it away from us across the room. He took my arm gently in his hands and pushed my sleeve up, revealing the deep, bleeding cuts and the scars, both old and new. "Princess, what is this?" he whispered, his voice shaking. I jerked my arm away, tears running down my face. "Leave me alone," I said softly, getting up. "Y/N-" he tried, reaching out. "I SAID LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!" I screamed, storming out of the room to our bedroom.
I lay in bed, crying my eyes out. I was already in my pajamas, and snuggled up under the covers, shaking. I felt the bed dip as he lay down next to me. Thankfully, mercifully, he said nothing and instead wrapped his arms around me. "Goodnight, love," he whispered in my ear. I said nothing.
The ride to school the next day was silent. Last night, Eddie was upset. Today, he was angry. And I mean angry. He refused to look at me, jaw tight and hands clenched on the steering wheel. I looked out of my window, trying to find the right words. But they didn't come.
Lunch at the Hellfire table was a nightmare. Eddie always sat at the head of the table, and I sat next to him. He still wouldn't look at me, instead focusing on his meal and the conversation. I sat there, unable to eat. Unfortunately for me, he noticed. "Eat something," he hissed under his breath. I looked at him, startled. "Eat. Now." He plopped an apple on my tray. I continued to stare at him. He lost what little patience he had left and pulled my chair closer to his, leaning in to whisper in my ear. "Eat that. Now. Or I'll publicly force you to. I'm not going to sit by and let you hurt yourself like this."
I started to get anxious, my leg jumping up and down. Even as angry as he was, Eddie was still the sweet boy he always was and placed a hand on my thigh, rubbing it gently. "Eddie, I-" He cut me off. "Baby girl, if I have to say it one more time, we're going to have a big fight, right here, right now, and I know you don't want that. So eat."
I picked up the apple, my hands shaking, and took a tiny bite. Instantly, I felt Eddie's tension ease, just a little. I took another small bite and was rewarded with a small smile and a whispered "Keep going, darling. You're doing amazing.".
Eventually I finished the apple, and immediately stood up. "I gotta go to the bathroom, be right back!" I said, plastering a fake smile on my face. Eddie's head jerked up and he gave me a side-eye. "Nope, you're not," he responded, pulling me back down. "But-" I started to protest. He leaned in. "If you think I don't know you're going just to throw up, think again. You're not going. And trust me: I have no problems grabbing your ass in public if you don't listen to me, and making you listen." I was furious and stood up, about to walk away when his arms snaked around my waist and pulled me onto his lap. "Stop. It." he hissed in my ear, visibly angry. I shoved him away and went to my own seat, sitting down and glaring at him, which he ignored and continued to talk to his friends.
The rest of the day passed relatively quickly. Eddie didn't let me out of his sight, and before I knew it we were in his car, on our way home. Normally we would listen to metal, rock, or heavy metal, but today Eddie put on something different.
When I see your face, there's not a thing that I would change, 'cause girl you're amazing, just the way you are
I looked over at Eddie, to find him staring back at me. He had pulled over to the side of the road, and was now in the process of unbuckling my seatbelt, pulling me onto his lap. He began to sing the words softly into my ear, holding me tightly to his chest. And I broke down.
We stayed there for two hours as I cried. I told him everything. And that night, when we got back to the trailer, as we lay in bed Eddie began to talk.
"Sweetheart, don't say anything, just listen. You don't ever need to change, for anything or anyone. That song? It's all true. There's nothing that I would change about you. I love you so fucking much, every single fucking thing about you. You're so beautiful, so precious, so special. And there's nothing you can do that would make you more so, because you're already perfect, okay?" He reached out and stroked my hair, looking into my eyes. "You're already perfect."
That night, I slept better than I had in months. I wasn't healed yet, but I was healing. And it was all thanks to Eddie Munson.
Anybody out there who struggles with this, you should know you are absolutely beautiful and perfect the way you are (you're already perfect 💕) <3 I personally have an eating disorder, and I struggle with self harm and a lot of other mental issues, so I know what you're going through and I'm ALWAYS here to talk if you need someone :) I'll be posting my Snap and Insta in my bio, feel free to text me whenever ❤❤
I love you so much :)
Don't ever forget, you're already perfect
