(Silently Drowning Series - Book Three)
Alessia Fiorella Ferrari; going from unnoticed to far too noticed.
Having 6 brothers that were once too busy for you to 6 brothers that overreact over every last thing, that could be overwhelming for anyone.
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Alessia Ferrari
"The most fantastic magical things can happen, and it all starts with a wish." ~ Pinocchio
It's the possibility of having a dream that makes life so much more interesting.
Dreams are just wishes that you are capable of making come true.
As a kid your wishes are simply something that brings temporary joy, a new toy or the latest gadget, something you forget about in a week.
As an adult your wishes are simply of ream of what's to come.
As a teenager I never thought to plan my future because I didn't expect to have one.
As an adult I truthfully have no idea where the rest of my life is heading but I did think of a few things over the last few years.
'I wish I could have my own family.'
Ever since I was shot by the polish that day we have learned that I am completely infertile, the chances of me ever carrying a baby naturally is zero and even though at the time I could never imagine myself being a mom — but then again I couldn't imagine myself being much of anyone — the idea that the option was stripped away from me has become more and more heartbreaking over the years.
'I wish someone could love me for who I am rather than what I can offer.'
The only form of 'love' I know is obsession. Obsession with my body and not my mind.
There's a difference.
It took me a while to grasp that.
It took me a while to comprehend the fact that obsession is not love, he did not love me.
I always new he didn't really love me, but I had to learn what real love felt like. I don't think I entirely know what that is you, but I do know it's not whatever that was.
It was a sick and twisted obsession from somebody who was beyond mentally ill and there was no saving him.
'I wish I could have my dream career.'
I'm going to be attending a university soon.
I want to be a child psychiatrist — specifically to help those dealing with grief or abuse.
To be the voice of so many kids that have grown up in a home that was like mine. Where they felt how cold it was and nobody believed the trauma they were forced to endure.
Healing isn't magical or pretty, real healing is hard and draining.
If you never heal from what hurt you, then you'll bleed on people who did not cut you.
We may heal and learn to live on in spite — not despite — of trauma but we can't just 'get over' or 'move on' from our trauma. We are forced to make space for it, and carry it. We can continue to thrive in spite of but never despite.
Truthfully, childhood trauma can lead to an adulthood spent entirely in survival mode, afraid to plant roots, to plan for the future, to trust, or to let joy in.
It's a blessing to shift from surviving to thriving. I hope I can one day show kids that are stuck in the situation I was once frozen in, that it's going to be okay and they aren't alone. I wish I had that voice when I was in my freshman year of high school.
Childhood trauma has never and will never come in one single package. Your trauma will never be identical to somebody else's. You should never have someone tell you that your trauma made a liar out of you, or that everything coming from your mouth couldn't have happened.
You shouldn't have to keep your mouth shut and allow a fake smile to appear on your lips just because your family would rather listen to someone else's voice over your own.
You should be able to say things like 'I'm okay', or 'I'm better' and actually mean it.
You say 'I'm fine' everytime someone else says 'are you okay?'
You've said the same lie over and over that it now seems to come to you like second nature.
You don't even have to think before spouting your new favorite phrase.
Are you really fine or is your head just a constant symphony of pain?
The fabulous conductor is nothing but a sadist.
You end up falling down the never ending spiral of 'I'm fine', all while the cuts that lined your wrist are slowly becoming bigger, and the pain is no longer helping you out of this numb-like feeling you keep trying to break through.
You begin finding other ways you can destroy yourself, like never sleeping or even drinking far too much liquor, kissing strangers and pushing every last friend you once had away. When they ask if you're okay, you can't help but laugh, you begin to feel like nothing can save you anyway.
I felt that way once too, I know what those thoughts are like.
In the end, it just takes one good friend that you can lean on, somebody standing at the end of the dark with their hand reaching out for you.
The real truth is, your past cannot be changed, forgotten, edited, or even erased. No matter how much you beg and plead for life to have turned out different, you can never undo the past, but it can be accepted and although I still have a long way to go, I can only hope I chose the right path that would lead me to my final destination.
My name is Alessia Fiorella Ferrari.
This is my story, and I will no longer let anyone else write it nor will I apologize for the edits I make, but maybe... Just maybe...
I could write in a happy ending.
I would call it luck if that were to be how my story ends.
The thing about luck is it's neer in favor of those who actually need it, who depend on it.
Maybe, for once...
That luck I have craved my entire life will actually be in my favor.
Maybe just this once, which road life leaves me down.
Maybe just this once, I will fight for control over my own life.
