B Eau...

I had this epiphany. The other day. I pause as I write this, and the music remains unpaused as the tears start to play... because I had this epiphany, the other day. One that hasn't left me, and one, I hope, that even when I lose my mind again and again and again, has the heart to stay. Ah Shibal, hold on- crying hard as hail now. This sound just... brings such nostalgia and catharsis... such an unraveling peace, from this unsettling piece. Unsettling not as of chaos. But like those daimonds we see on the film of the ocean, under the sunshine's gleam. Not really gems I know. But so it truly seems. The feelings we shamefully bury that surface unapologetically. These treasures lost at sea, that remain to be seen. That never settle, so why do we. Why do we sink. Oh, how so unsettling. Why don't we sync. With self. With what's within us. The things we cast to the deep. A treasure that only ever seeks to be seen. To breathe. Not with lungs or with gills, but with wings. To taste the air... under those wings. For here is in me. Swimming to the light like this melody. This nostalgia, this catharsis... this epiphany. A Truth. That lies... deep within Me. The Me... that wishes to be free. The Me that bleeds... that breathes... that beats. Deeply. Deep see. In the ocean of the sky, reflected from within, beyond the day and into the night. How deep. Very. Alll those scattered gems, like sand lost at a midnight sea... or like those daimonds we see on the film of the ocean... under the moonlight's gleam. In this dark... is how it came to me, like a Dream.

In that moment I woke up. I was awoken. I realized... the true reality. I'd fallen sick recently and the same storm that carried overhead. Outside. Was a reflection of the storm that carried on in my head. Within. My whole being. I was covered in rain and flooded with regret. Moping wet. I felt as if I missed out on something. As if something was missing in me. As if I was missing something. As if I was missing...- As if I... was missing. As if I missed. My chance to live. To do things. To see things. To feel things. To become something. To be... something. This feeling haunted me for days until this moment. This nightmare. This... "Paranoia". That was disturbed by this epiphany. This dream. That awoken me. This moment was what you would call the night before dawn. The darkest part. As this song resurfaced the other night, and I'm listening to it while it disrupts the noise of this haunting feeling. This daunting presence. For these days there was no hope in me. I hated myself. It felt, there was no hope for me. That I am not who I wanted to be, not going to be, not the way I wanted to be. I'm 25 years old. And that will change soon. But how much of me really changed. How much have I really grown. How much have I lived and how much of me are just remains, of a spineless soul. Of a soulless spine. Wasting... Away. What have I done. Who am I. Why. As this dark cloud threatened me with these thunderous thoughts over head, there was no rain yet. But I was moping wet. I was scared to death. Waiting to die, but did I already lose my life. Up to the age of 25. Is it too late for me to try. Yes, the thunder crept. Yes, the drizzle wept. As the sun and the moon slept. And I laid awake all this dark dark dark time. But this song was like a light. Not like a beam peering through the grey clouds, peaking into the black and white. But like... a bird. Something with wings. That shown bright like a daimond in the sky. The star that dared to fly, despite the storm. Despite the lo fi and the high rise. It... was an epiphany. Did I really care about some of the things I thought I cared about. About missing out on some of the people or the moments or things I never truly wanted or needed. About the imagination I used to imitate  desires that weren't mine to begin with. About things I can't miss because I didn't miss them. Things that were not misplaced in the first place because they were never mine to begin with. Things everyone else probably cares about. Things that are just things. People that are just people. And moments that are just as momentary. Memories... that never lived, so how can they be constant reminders of a life that neither did. That is none the more nor the less dead. So then... why am I so... dead. Inside. How can I regret. What do I regret... and Why. I then remembered the pieces of a shattered past, a scattered life, like infinitesimal gems. Gems on the film of my skin. That is the story of my life. Gems consecrated in my flesh. With my heart, mind, soul, with my being as a whole. The things. The people. The moments. Where I gave the purest parts of me. Accidentally. The pieces of my life that became memory. I did good. I gave light. I bled life. And this blood trail leads me to believe that I lived, and that I'm still alive. Somewhere. I managed to keep my head above water this whole time. So then why can't I breathe. Why am I still gasping for breath, grasping for air... Yearning. For something. Why does it feel like I'm drowning. Why do I still regret... what regret. What's the matter Kidd... What's missing. And then it snuck through the grey of the sky. A beam of light, a lightning strike. Out of the deep blue and into the blue deep. Enlightening Me. Like electricity on the film of the dark abyss. It hit so swiftly and soundly, feathers fell. Like a latent mist. And it settled. As it resonated. This feeling. The sound of epiphany. You. You regret You. You regret not being You. You regret not being yourself. I regret not being myself. Me. And thus... it rained. As it dawned on me. The tears played. I cried. As the thing with wings lay on the surface of the black blue. Unsettled. Unsunken. But resting. Soundly. In sync with the flow it once knew, and has always known, and will always know, in flight, or at rest. In life. Or in death. With its wings out stretched. Still. Carried by the flow. Not by the wind before, or the water now, but by its last breath. That would last forever. I watched as it died and I cried. For its sacrifice. And my surrender. It sunk in, and it surfaced in me all at the same time. As the feathers fell and the rain rose to my eye lids. And I was flooded with regret. True regret. For not being my damn self. For letting something come to near death, in me. For not letting the kid in me live. For letting Myself come in between Me and I. For letting the idea of a me I really wanted to be, smother the reality of what I am truly. Who I truly am. For not doing the things that are me. For not being a way that is me. For not letting myself breathe, for not letting myself bleed, for letting the blood pool, for making myself bleed when I didn't have to, for beating myself up, and not letting my heart beat. Freely... with wings. For not letting my self, Be... Me. The thunder subsided. But the rain ignited. All from a single stroke of lightning. That could make such a disturbingly beautiful sound. This Melody. 

Sorry- I had to pause again. And let the tears play me a symphony. This song. This sound, it makes sense. B Urself. I missed that. I miss that. I... am missing. And, I am missed. At some point a long the way, I grew apart from Me. I was no longer all there. Here. I was Somewhere There. Moving along as I slowly disappeared. Becoming the shadow behind me, leaving my soul behind. Trying to fill a body with a life beyond me. A hollow shell of a being. I didn't realize, by yearning for and pursuing a life that wasn't mine, I was letting myself die. A slow and painful... an unsettling death. Settling for more or less, than Me. I tried to run and hide, until I ran out of time and hiding places, and what was in the dark has now come to light. I wasn't here the whole time. Look at all I gave, but how much did it take. How much did you keep from yourself. How far did you go, for you to get nowhere at all. How still did you stay, just for it to go too far. How much did you keep yourself from. The big moments, the little things. That reflect you. Such as listening to soothing music like this that brings your being peace, or watching Anime that gives your being adventure. Or wearing your oversized shirt with weird written all over it like the heart on your sleeve. Or making... Music... with the One of your dreams. Or writing this. Expressing yourself so freely. Unraveling yourself so deeply. Dancing loudly like it's over the sea, or singing and rapping so brightly not even the stars can sleep. How safe did you play it and how far didn't you venture. What flavors did you savor, what tastes didn't you endeavor. How did you connect with people, how did you cherish things, how did you explore moments. How didn't you. How did you paint these memories. That unravel to reveal the beautiful image that isn't just your life... but an image that channels who You really truly are. Deep down inside. A life lived. Up to 25. But it was half a life. Maybe a third. Maybe a quarter. But not all of mine. Not all of Me. Imagine losing your life. The irony is. You're losing your life, by imagining one. I lived a life. But I didn't live my life. The way I am, not from the outside in but from the inside out. I smothered myself. And up to now I couldn't breathe. I was lost at sea. Drowning. Lungs filled, closed gills, perched wings. But now, I feel a breath of wind under those wings. You did alright, but... what good is any of it. If none of it was all of you. You have one vessel. Do not take it for vain. Let your spirit flow through it. Not just to the heart, but from it too. You have this one life. You are missing, You are missed, but You have not missed. You still have a chance. You have a sole purpose, and that is the purpose of your soul, to be You. I just want to be Me. I just want me to be free. I just want to breathe. To bleed. To feel the beat. To heal the wound. To just let Me be. So here I am. Talking to myself. Speaking to me. Vowing one thing. Not to kill myself any longer silently, or let myself die so soundlessly. But to dead this single regret I have. Simply by living. By living my truth. Who I am, as I am, as it was... as it was always meant to be, as I always will be, Me. At fifteen, at twentyfive, at fifty, at a hundred and thirtythree... infinitely, eternally, and unimaginably Me... Obliviously... I had this epiphany. What was beyond me finally sunk in. What was sunken finally surfaced. Like the smile through the tears now. In Sync. To be myself... and to let myself Be

🌻 Be Eau. Be EaurSelf. Eau are Beautiful. As Eau are. "eau"... in itself says. The you in beauty and the beauty in you. Don't leave a piece missing, and don't be the missing peace... B eau to full 🦋

Kiddo ^  *( ❥

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