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Confusion.
That's the only thing I feel right now. I don't know what's gotten into me, but something inside of me is actually willing to give him a chance. Like a full-blown chance? What the fuck?
I really have no clue what it is about him, I just know that it's something special. I've been trying to convince myself that it's just my exterior, physical attraction but now it's starting to prove that it's everything but that.
What's even more confusing is the fact that I've been down this road before, like everybody has, where they have to decide if they actually like a person or if they just like what they look like, or have on the outside.
But this time, with him, is different. It's something about him. His energy, his vibe-- shit, his existence in general. He's ... different?
I don't know, is he? Isn't every guy different until they prove that they are just like every other guy? Shit, I don't even know him well enough to determine if this might just be an act ... but everything about him seems so serious. He seemed like he meant what he said, wholeheartedly.
Why am I advocating for him?
What is wrong with me?
I don't even know if I'm doing this right because it all feels so wrong. Am I really thinking about this?
Giving someone I don't know and had sex with one time a chance? Someone that I don't know a single detail about, other than his name. Is that really what I'm doing right now?
I don't know.
It's like, as much as I want to say fuck it and give Jayson a chance. A chance to prove that he isn't like every other 'ain't shit' guy on this Earth. A chance to prove to myself that I can be in a relationship and be happy, and balanced with my work and personal life.
The other half of me is strictly against the idea. The part of me that wants to protect myself. My heart. My peace. Me.
The part that never wants to have to pick up the broken pieces of myself if I chose to go through with his proposal. The part that is scared that he'll eventually end up leaving like everyone else, because they always do, and then I'm left to find myself again.
The part that is constantly telling me that I don't need anybody else other than myself. The part that just wants me safe.
Why am I so negative?
That's something I find myself asking way too many times each day. It's like my body is literally split in half. One side wants to be loved, and held at night, kissed and cuddled, a family. While the other half doesn't even want to look at that life. Just me, myself, and my businesses.
I don't necessarily choose to be negative about everything but when you're dealt the deck of cards that I was ... you can't help it.
When you were abandoned by the people who were supposed to love, nurture, and protect you ... you can't help it.
When you were constantly shown the ugly, dark parts of the world, at such a young age ... you can't fucking help it.
My negative outlook didn't just form from nowhere, it's almost as if it was given to me; hand selected just for me.
But there comes a point where I can't continue to blame my past, where I have to move on from being that young girl who just wanted her mom to love and pay attention to her. I don't know when that time will come, but I hope it's soon.
Maybe he's my chance?
My chance to escape the negative, screwed thoughts that run amuck in my brain. Maybe this is the light at the end of the tunnel? Or maybe he's my lesson? A potential happy ending? I don't know.
Maybe-- maybe it's just lust.
You can lust over anything right? I mean, when you think about it, that's how our whole "relationship" started ... sex. Maybe I have become wrapped up in the drug that is lust.
I don't know.
The only thing I have learned is that I hate "not knowing" ... it seems as though when it comes to him, Jayson Tatum, I don't know a lot of shit. He's a confusing person that has somehow made his way into my life and my thoughts.
I don't like the feeling of confusion. I don't like it at all. I hate it. It's ... well, confusing.
Maybe I should call my mom. She always seems to have the answers in these types of situations. Yeah ... I think that's a good idea.
