Learn to Love Again

Memories

Tom sat, where he'd sat for the last week, just looking at her lying there. She still looked like she was just asleep. So peaceful, so beautiful. Next to her bed, in a tiny crib, lay the sleeping newborn. They'd kept him close, just in case his little cries would help.

They hadn't. She'd closed her beautiful green eyes in the moments after she saw first him and never opened them again. Toms own eyes filled with pain and tears as he came to terms with the fact they never would.

His darling girl was gone.

The love of his life, how would he survive without her? He had to though, he had a son now. Jamie needed his Dad, would always need his Dad.

A hand settled on Tom's shoulder, looking up he saw his Mum. Tears in her eyes too. For the daughter in law she would now never know, for the son whose heart was breaking and for the grandson who would only know his mother from photos.

"Its time love" she said gently "hold her hand sweetheart, don't let her go alone."

Tom looked at her, terrified. "What if we're wrong? What if.." he started to shake.

"Son, they did all the tests, she's gone. We were lucky to get Jamie. " she leant down and hugged him, kissing his hair as she had a million times since he was little.

"I know mum, I'm so scared. I cant do this without her. "

"I know you are love, but you can and you will. You are stronger than you believe, I promise. And you wont be alone. Ever."

The doctor came in, the nurses came in. Tom reached out and held Claire's hand. He laid his head on her hand, tears streaming. His mum held him tight.

In moments it was over. Jamie cried as if some invisible bond had broken and Tom looked up at the mewling infant. "Daddy's here little man" he said softly, picking him up and kissing his forehead "Daddy will always be here."

That had been seven years ago today, and now, as he watched Jamie running along the path to meet his Granny, he smiled through his tears. Putting down the photo frame, he turned and wiped his eyes. Life went on, it had to. Claire lived on through her son. Tom knew he needed to live too, but he was still afraid. It was safer to love his son. It was safer to love his mum. It was safer not to love at all. He couldn't love and lose again.

He'd had dates, of course he had. He was still who he was, but now he was different. Gone was the impetuous and funny man, in his place a sober and gentle father. Sometimes he missed Funny Tom. Sometimes he wished it had all been different but never once did he wish his son hadn't been born. Never once did he wish he hadn't loved Claire.

The door opened and his mum came in holding Jamie's hand. She looked at him and knew. She wished he could be truly happy again. She knew he loved Jamie and they had endless fun together, but he needed to be Tom as well as Dad. A lover as well as a carer. He needed to be free.

"You ok son?" She asked carefully. They never shied away from today, but equally, she never wanted to deliberately rake up the hurt.

"Yes" he sighed and walked over to hug her, "I'm ok." They both knew he was lying, but they both knew it was up to him to change things. He wasn't ready he convinced himself again. Not yet.

As they walked into the kitchen to make a cup of tea, Jamie turned to his Dad with a small smile.

"Daaad?" he looked up at Tom and giggled "Daaaad?"

"Yes Trouble, what?" he looked down at his mini me and smiled.

"You forgot didn't you?" he looked triumphantly up at him.

"What son?" Tom wondered where this was going. His mum shrugged, she wasn't in on the secret whatever it was.

"Miss Grey" his little cheeks went pink and he giggled again. Miss Grey was his teacher, one that he had formed a close attachment to. Tom suspected the little face in front of him had a not-so-secret crush on Miss Grey and smiled. Jennifer Grey was a kind and understanding woman, she'd taken to Jamie right away and been his teacher come friend, helping him navigate his grief over the last two years. The fact she was ages with Tom made it easier, she understood the pitfalls of being a single parent at their age. They'd shared endless cups of afterschool tea as Tom asked her about how to cope with an inquisitive and bright son who seemed to rely on the word "why" for most of his vocabulary. She'd ended up befriending and guiding them both, whether intentionally or not.

"What about her?" he knelt down and looked at him intently. "It's not parent's night is it?" suddenly he felt the colour drain from his face. Being a bad parent was the worst thing he could imagine. His life was so hectic he'd always feared this might happen. Commuting to and from their home in Suffolk, he organised his life like an army major and tried to make Jamie the centre of everything he did.

"No silly!" Jamie rolled his eyes as if Tom was a complete fool and Granny sniggered behind her hand. "You said you were going to ask her if I could have the day off when you visit Uncle Chris in London so I can come too. That was last week and you still haven't. It's next Friday too Dad! You forgot didn't you? Do I have to write you a note?" he stood hands on hips, head to one side.

Tom had a sudden remembrance of someone else who stood like that. His heart twisted but he smiled anyway. "you Mr are a cheeky monkey, but yes I will speak to her tomorrow when I pick you up. Uncle Chris is looking forward to seeing you too. Now go and get changed, swimming lessons in half an hour."

As Jamie thundered upstairs he turned to his Mum. "D'you think he's ok?" He sat at the kitchen table and looked up at her. "He rarely mentions his Mother these days. Have I done enough?"

"Of course you have love. He's happy, he's well adjusted and he has people around him who care. You both do. Jenny Grey included. " she smiled "now stop worrying and have a rest. I'll have him back from swimming by six and we can have tea together." She kissed Tom's cheek and went into the hall. "C'mon trouble , time to go" she yelled and the two of them chattered their way out to the car. The front door closed with a thud.

The house was suddenly silent.

Tom sat for a moment and then sighed and stood up. Looking into the garden he could see the little ivy covered loveseat they had built together when they first moved in and now he never used. He doubted if he ever would.