When I stepped out into the bright sunlight from the darkness of the movie house, I woke up. I was sweating something fierce and it took me a while to remember how to breathe. I rolled over and tried to warm up next to Soda until I remembered he wasn't there. Soda was living with Steve above their shop. They'd opened their own body shop a few months back, not far from the DX they used to work at. Steve's always sayin it's because Soda needed a break from bein around his kid brother all the time, but I know he misses us. And me and Darry miss him lots. It got harder to get to sleep at night when he left, but I could never tell Darry that. I started having a dream almost every night that was worse than the one I had after Mom and Dad died. The worst part about it was that I could remember it exactly. Every detail was carved in my memory and it would never leave me alone.
It was always the same. I would go to the movie house to see Gone With the Wind. It was always the middle of the afternoon and real sunny so that when I got inside, it took my eyes a while to make out the rows of seats. It would always be crowded and I'd take a seat on the aisle until I heard someone call my name from somewhere a few rows in front. I'd look over and see Johnny waving me over to sit in a spot he'd saved for me. I'd sit down and we'd watch it together. I never remember actually seeing any of the movie in my dream but I know we both sat through the whole thing. Once the credits were finished rolling and the lights came back on, I'd look next to me and he'd be gone. Somebody had always taken him. Sometimes there was blood on the seat where he'd been, sometimes his jeans jacket would still be lying there and sometimes there wasn't anything. But someone took him. I always looked around, screamed his name and ran for the door, but as soon as I got outside I always woke up. Every time I woke up.
I could have gone over to wake Darry up and tell him I had the same dream again. He told me I should always go and get him after the one time I woke up and ripped open my pillow thinking it was a person. But he'd have to get up for work the next morning and I didn't want him to worry his head off if there was nothing he could do. But I needed to get some air so I left a note in the kitchen for Darry letting him know I was just going for a walk. I tried to make it sound like I was as safe as could be but I'm sure he'd be mad anyway when he saw it. Darry might need sleep but it was a Friday night and I had days to study before my first exams.
I went to grab my sweater from the chair by the front door but Darry must have brought it up to my room for me earlier. I looked around until I found a brown leather jacket. It had sheep's wool lining and a big black mark across the back. I hadn't touched Dally's jacket for three years since we went back to the hospital for his stuff. I pulled it on not remembering how warm it was, headed out and started walking. I didn't really realize where I was going until I was at my school. I wouldn't be seeing much more of that place but Two-Bit would. He'd managed to still be in high school at legal drinking age, and he'd come to my school after getting expelled from his. I'm not sure if it was because he cut the head off the statue in front of the building or because he tried to sell it for cigarette money. I was graduating in a week and then I was heading off to college. Darry'd saved up every penny and I couldn't have been more thankful but I was gonna miss this place. My school was where I could almost get away from stuff at times.
I kept walking and thinking about everything that happened just three years ago. Just three years ago there was one week that killed three people. And I remembered it all like it was yesterday. I remembered a handsome, dark boy with a reckless grin and a hot temper. A tough, tow-headed boy with a cigarette in his mouth and a bitter grin on his hard face. Remembering -and this time it hurt more than it ever had before- a quiet, defeated looking sixteen year old who died because of me.
I remembered it like it happened yesterday because I'd thought about it yesterday and every day before that. It was my fault that Johnny was dead. When I saw that church in Windrixville burning I didn't need to run in there. If I'd stayed in that car with Dally, Johnny might have stayed too I know he would. If he'd still gone in I could have gone in with him and got him out the same window that the kids went out. I could have gotten him out. I could have... I'd been walking and not realizing where I was going until I saw bright lights. I looked up and saw the sign of the movie house. The place with rows of seats where they weren't playing Gone With the Wind. The place where Johnny wasn't sitting, saving a seat for me because he was gone. Because I killed him.
