The pieces to peace

Am I Wrong

I start this for my own benefit. Not Magnus' and not anyone else. My world centered around James from the very beginning, and I lasted in his orbit much longer than others thought I would. Now that I'm walking away and letting myself love myself, I find the void comforting. I am not sad of the loss of James. I'm sad for the void I left filled with the wrong person for far too long.

I don't think I'll regret him entirely. He gave me Magnus and opened some doors that lead to therapy and being able to accept people are who they are going to be. I can't regret that. Not really. Magnus is everything to me and everything to so many people.

I only regret that I held on so long that I forgot that I mattered too. I wasn't there to just take care of people. I wasn't there to only be a support beam of other peoples goals. I only regret not saving myself when I had the chance.

That was my fault. Not his. I can't hate him for my own regret. I can't hate him because I think he has no idea how to function without someone else there to support him. I can't hate him because we weren't right for each other.

I hate him because he created an environment where Magnus doesn't feel safe and clings to me and others. Where Magnus is terrified of a tv being turned up to loud or of someone shouting across the house to someone else about anything at all. I hate him because I can't go ten minutes without Magnus calling me by my given name instead of "Mommy".

Am I wrong that I can't seem to hate him for myself?

No, I don't think so. My mother and younger sister feel I should hate him with everything I have, though. I just can't seem to find the energy to do it.