The Late Eulogy Letter for my Late Greatest Love Ever

To my dear love...

February 11, 2023

Hi, it's me! How are you doing, my Love?



Do you remember me? Do you remember since I was a fan of your pretty co-TV host of a reality show in 2010 before I had a crush on you since February 2011? How funny, am I right? Hahaha!

So I would like to tell a story about how I accidentally fell for you in the first place, always admiring of being a handsome and genius person, singing and telling a joke at every comedy bar, and everything always knowing about you - despite we never both met each other and dating personally for the first time.

Dear Loves. You know I started to crush on you during the Nite Chat era on Radyo Singko 92.3 News FM. As I always said, in February 2011, I don't remember the exact day how Nite Chat got started after pinch-hitting from your old radio show called Amy and Hans on Air. Yeap, my dear, it was my first favorite radio show on my favorite FM radio station after I moved on from my long-lost Brewrats show. That was the time when Tsongkibenj and Ate Lai were our best friends since before. That was the time when I was one of your followers on your Twitter account. That was before I spotted your old video clip on Youtube when you sang Without You by Charlie Wilson in Sitcom Las Pinas from past two years ago (later, almost 14 years and seven months ago since September 3, 2008), and that was before I accidentally infatuate and falling for you. Despite this, it was a secret that I didn't tell anyone, even you.

Yes, I was very fell and wished to see you if ever need a job and earn some money. But, it all went wrong because of my grandmother's debt, my brother hated me, the old church didn't help me, my parents didn't support me from back then, my relatives from my biological mother's side betrayed me and thought they could help me well in financial ways. Those were moments when I hated my Mama so much and blamed her for all my miserably epic failures. I also blamed our old friends and other fake friends I knew for causing my old dreams and plans to crash. So I was the one who had surrendered and decided to come back to the religion to which I belong. Sorry that I missed the plans where I wished to see you. Now, I finally found the possible reasons why we won't be able to meet each other. That's why I am writing this letter to you while you're now sleeping peacefully for one year and several months. But keep thinking that you are still alive, and you almost said in my dream, "Your heart is my new home address."

Dear Hans. Sorry that I didn't ask why you left Nite Chat and Radyo 5. Sorry that I hated to hear how your ex-boyfriends cheated on you, despite much hurt for wouldn't see how I feel. Sorry that I always felt for you so much from back then, but we were both never physically seen each other. Sorry for I mad at you twice because you didn't show up for my two special days back then. That was the main reason for my resentment against you, and I admitted it. Sorry that I wrote the old poems, spoken words about you, and a two-part fictional love story about our past with a new anonymous pen name I managed. Sorry that my fragile heart and mind won't prepare to read your hateful posts on Facebook and Twitter without spilling my name, but realizing that you protected me by not hurting me in your ways. Sorry that I was still mad when I found out you had Pneumonia, but I couldn't do anything. So I am sorry for leaving you dying because of my hate, resentment, heartbreak, and my old life broke. Even no wonder if you know me well as a person - a person with a mental and psychological disability. An Aspie person who was born with Autism but acted normal to accept anyone else. Not just as a Facebook friend or a Twitter fan.

Today, I am writing this letter not to beg for forgiveness or closure for the few times I tried, but I accept that we need to start over as we are now. Despite my grief, I can imagine we are privately dating in Joe Alwyn and Taylor Swift's ways: Like sipping coffee together in different coffee shops. We went to the karaoke bar and sang our favorite songs like All of Me by John Legend, High by Lighthouse Family, and more. We watch cheesy romantic movies and old Face-to-Face episodes on YouTube. We love tuning in to the new Sana Lourd series on Radyo 5. We are planning for our Tagaytay or Tayuman street trip. Sounds funny, right? And still, I can keep thinking about our new plans if you will resurrect in Paradise. We will be marrying soon, either after or while you're in the study. I know our Charles Johansen will be happy for us and very excited to be born in Paradise. It feels like the way after we throw stones at each other, but we can pick them up and build our beautiful home for a new family.

So right now, I am keeping busy with other things and my priorities while I choose to stay single and never have a chance to find another man. I only choose the better man I have ever known, and it is you. You know it, Hans. I'll be waiting for you.

Good night always,

Jels