A Few Moments of Pleasure and A Lifetime of Regret

Sometimes I wonder...

Wanting to experience 

Like everyone else. 

Having a rush 

Like I've never felt. 

Wanting to do 

What I want to do. 

Wanting to live 

Like the rest of the world

But then, 

Then I do.

I do what I want. 

I live the experience. 

I feel the rush. 

I become part of the world.

But then, 

I hear.

I hear those words. 

Those letters. 

The thing that makes my short adventure come crashing down.

HIV...

STI...

AIDS...

It all ends

My adventure, 

My experience, 

My rush, 

My choices.....

My life

It all ends

There's nothing I can do.

All I wanted was something simple. 

An experience like everyone else. 

A rush like I've never felt. 

To do what I want to do. 

To live like the rest of the world.

I wanted the few moments of pleasure that everyone always talked about. 

The ones that would all be worth it in the end. 

The ones I could feel again and again to forever feel the rush. 

The ones that would finally break the clasps and make me feel....

Free

Oh, 

I felt free all right. 

But I'm not no more.

Now I am forever chained. 

Forever chained to the sickness that fills my body. 

Slowly tearing, 

Eating, 

Killing, 

Me

I've become a person who I am not. 

Too weak to even think sometimes. 

Sleep is what makes up most my day. 

Never enough energy to even sit up. 

And the pain.... 

The pain is the worst. 

It hurts everywhere. 

My head, 

My limbs, 

My lungs, 

My stomach, 

My mind.

But mostly, 

It hurts my heart.

Im dying.

There's nothing I can do to stop it. 

I can slow it down, 

Or I could do nothing and speed it up. 

Either way I'm going to die. 

I'm already dying on the inside, 

Soon enough I'll start dying on the outside.

People will see. 

People will stare. 

People will pity. 

People will hate. 

People will avoid. 

People will....

Live

They can hate me, 

They can pity me, 

But in the end, 

They're not the ones dying.

I am

I'm leaving behind eveything. 

My family, 

My friends, 

My home, 

My memories, 

My life.

I can't take anything with me.

The only thing, 

That travels with me when I finally meet my end is....

My regret

I regret everything, 

Cause if I hadnt done what I wanted, 

I wouldn't be dying.

I would be living. 

Living the normal life that I should. 

Living longer then what I am right now. 

Living and experiencing more, 

More then one simple moment. 

More that would've been worth a thousand times more than those few moments.

More....

So, 

As I think my final thoughts, 

I think, 

What would life be like without that regret? 

The one regret that ended it all? 

What if.....

Oh never mind. 

It's too late for what if's.

I guess, 

My final thoughts go out to everyone.

Goodbye

And I hope you never find yourself in the same pool of regrets as me.....