Losing

THE BROCKS

I cleaned the tears on my cheek as i rewatched my favorite youtube family channel "The Brocks" do a time lapse of their little boy, from pregnancy, birth and till his now second birthday.

The faces on my screen slowly morphed from the blonde hairs and blue eyes, to the dark brown curly hair and the even darker eyes of my own family. I sobbed into my elbow, reliving how i lost them. 

*

"Are you feeling any contractions, babe?." Dad asked for the hundredth time, a recording camera in his face.

"I don't know......" Mom groans out from the couch she had been in all week, shifting slightly to find comfort. She smiled.

Dad chuckles.

"Well, how do you feel?." He asked leaning down to her.

"Pregnant!." She cries throwing a pillow in his face. "So leave me alone!."

I glanced up at them from my pile of assignments, laughing and i remember telling myself i didn't want love, if it wasn't like what my parents shared.

Mom had a love - hate relationship with her pregnancy, she was ready for the baby to be out, the weeks when it was cute were over. When he first kicked, when she discovered many new things she didn't discover in her first pregnancy. When she'd talk to him non stop, like he could hear and understand. Now she just wanted him out of her bulging belly.

The baby was not planed. They went on an anniversary trip months ago to celebrate 15 years of marriage and a few months later, she was sick.

Mom and i bought a test kit just for laughs and she turned out to be indeed pregnant.

I don't remember when i fell asleep, but what i remember is waking up to loud thump of dad's feet as he ran down the stairs. And then raps of knocks removed me from my bed.

"Mom's in labor." Dad called out as soon as i open the door, with only one sock on his feet, and the baby bag mom had packed since the week before in his hands. He ran back down stairs.

"What?!, i thought she wasn't having contractions?." I ask through my retainer, rubbing the sleep away from my eyes, and with a yawn, i follow after him.

"Well that changed." He yelled from the front door. I don't think he realized he was only dressed in a black tank top and hot-red his boxers. "Go change!, pack a new shirt and underwear, tooth brush and paste!."

"Uh, I think you need to change too!." I shouted back to him.

"Meet me in the car in one minute!." He called out in a firm voice, done with my sass.

The hospital was crowded when we got there. Covid-19. Mom was put in a wheel chair and we waited in the ER for three hours before a nurse came to us.

I don't like crowds, i was scared, watching as people coming and going out, conscious and not.

The distinct smell of hospitals thick in the air, the strong antiseptic attacked my nose as soon as the doors slid open.

The front desk was so packed, i could only see the hair of the nurses from where i was seated. Dad, was well, dad, frantic and running around to get someone to attend to us. When he wasn't running, he was holding my mom's hand, whispering sweet words to her ears.

I remember being so cold, hospitals are always chilly. Well, the ones i've been too anyway.

The nurse-midwife was outraged that we were left unattended to and scolded the all the nurses he could find.