au: in which tyler + josh are young lovers and the world just fucking hates them
warnings: death, pain, suicide, cancer, panic attacks, suicidal thoughts
authors note: for tumblr user jvshdvn. sorry this sucks its too late and im too lazy to edit lmao.
____________________________
Love of mine, some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark
The nights were always cool by the time Tyler and Josh woke up from their naps and decided to drive till the rising sun. They never had a destination, where they would and wouldn't be known until the sky ripes into shades of sorbet and light. Tyler never minded. He was young and free and was perfectly okay with driving under the stars with the cutest boy who also held the stars in his eyes.
No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
Tyler's body was small and frail against Josh's, which to be said none of them minded that. Josh wanted to hold him and Tyler needed to be held. Simple as that. They tripped over eachother's feet as they walked awkwardly down the beach, footmarks being made in the pale moonlight only to be washed away in the roll of the waves. Tyler liked it that way. This moment was only supposed to be engrained into their youthful minds, it wasn't something he wanted the sand to cherish.
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the No's on their vacancy signs
Tyler drove fast, even though Josh told him not to worry. It happens all the time, probably something linked with his anxiety, he says. Tyler doesn't believe flashes of immense pain isn't something to worry about, but he doesn't say anything.
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
He knew it. He fucking knew it. It wasn't okay. There were warning signs and they both just ignored them. Josh was reckless and Tyler was too mad in love to question him. Josh always said the blood running through his veins was disgusting and sick, but he didn't know that wa literally the case.
In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black
They only had a little time. Every second was a second closer to Josh's death, even if Tyler wanted to think he would make it, something told him he wouldn't. They were a stuck clock, one that continues to tick in the middle of 2- second markers. Josh was stuck between life and desth and Tyler was stuck between love and acceptance.
Still they didn't have much time, so they travelled in their little van, driving around the streets and stopping at little resturaunts around the way, camping at places they saw on their way, taking pictures of them picking the noses of statues of famous people, having the most amazing sex in the most amazing places.
But none of this stopped the night terrors and it didn't stop the countless panic attacks and it didn't stop the cursing to hs once benevolent God on every platform he got and it didn't stop the horrendusly bad thoughts.
For Tyler.
Josh has given up his idea of life long ago.
And I held my tongue as she told me,
"Son, fear is the heart of love."
So I never went back
Tyler got a certificate off online, one that certifies him to do official marriages. At 19, he slipped his fingers into a gold ring with Josh's name engraved in the inside. Tyler couldn't life with himself if he waited one more day to call Josh his.
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the No's on their vacancy signs
When Josh slipped out of his eating habits and all of his hair that was the color of the sunset slipped out of his head, Tyler slipped out of any life he had left.
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Tyler is still coping with the fact his husands been rotting in the same bed for 3 months. Of course, Tyler lays with him everyday, but everyday Josh's grip on him is lighter, he seems to be moving farther away from him in the bed, like an invisible sea pushing him away with the current.
You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
Tyler realizes that Josh's meds aren't working right when he wakes up when he falls on the floor after falling asleep next to Josh. Once he popped his head up, Josh started screaming that there was a strange guy in his room.
Tyler tries to explain, tries to tell their story, trues to kiss him and maybe this whole mess will be over, but it's not.
The doctor says there are bad days sometimes.
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
'Cause we'll hold each other soon
In the blackest of rooms
And the next day is a blur. His whole world's collapsed.
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the No's on their vacancy signs
His eyes were the stars. Now his night sky is filled with clouds.
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark
You have no idea how great Tyler felt when he heard the dorky rapping in the endless choir of hymns. Needs some work he thought.
