Oubaitori

To,

Lonely, by Akon.

Dear Judah,

today i was reading a novel in the cafe, sipping my chai latte that a south asian made in his style. with the wind blowing in the open terrace lawn cafe, the novel made sense even though i did not like the genre, 'romance'. you know how much unrealistic i find them. they always seem to make me nauseous and make me roll my eyes. this i got from your shelf. i was missing you, so with your purple hoodie, i left house and walked mindlessly in the winter morning. 

winter has been very much in swing. the strong winds that always made you feel like needle pinching into your body, always were gentle to me. you always hated the winters but to your contradiction i loved them and found them soothing like nothing else. so while walking i came across the cafe. I'm sure i hadn't seen it before, meaning it was just inaugurated. you too would say the same, remember south block N20 road, there was never, 'pulm cafe'. there isn't a place in this town that we haven't already visited and made a review over.

the pulm cafe had such a great homey feel. it's fragrance resonated completely to the vanilla and chocolate even with many other things present there. a kind teenager guided me to a table on the roof top. she was shocked when i asked for it. the temperature is falling everyday and she was concerned visibly. it felt good to find a stranger being warm to other. i tasted our favorite red velvet muffin and ordered their chai. it came in that brown cup. would it be surprising if i said it tasted even better in it? i hope it doesn't.

when halfway through the book, the male lead said, 'my parents always had been lovely to each other. i too want to be this affectionate and have this love for her' i almost puked the third cup of chai. it made me visibly cringe and shiver. it also lead me to thinking do i want the same? 

you know how mumma and papa are and what relation they share. just last night mumma shared how much papa's family would humiliate her on her initial days of the marriage. it lead me into thinking do i want the same? you know my feelings over romance and love. you know how much unrealistic they are. after all why would a person love another person without having a motive? especially in today's world where it all 'give and take' sometimes only take. 

in the morning they weren't talking to each other. i think something triggered her yesterday leading to a breakdown in front of me, carrying forward to the silent treatment the whole morning. as per your advice is tried to comfort her, i tried to offer her some water and that's what i could muster up. you know how much problematic it is for me to provide the warmth and comfort to people. it at times makes me laugh and at times i just want to run away. i hate to say but when i tried to hug her last night, it didn't make me feel good. like i just wanted to run up and get drowned into the tub.

where do people find that love? how can they ask for one infact even after heartbreaks? are they that much strong or i am just too weak to search for one. i often wonder while looking at guys, of being in a relationship, but the thought brings other thoughts of me being bound in a relationship. i think i'd crave for freedom so badly if i get involved with a guy, considering i think i am straight. it makes me lightheaded with those overwhelming ideas. i don't know how to express but relationships scare me. surely i'd like to have somebody like a real partner having few qualities of papa and lot erased of his, but i don't want to risk it. risk having a heartbreak. i mean i already think i am unlikable and have that kind of personality that nobody likes resulting in guys staying far away from me. so it's not like i have options any way.

i just left that book in the left side of the shelf- the incomplete books. especially in the third rack which holds all my failed attempts of reading a romance novels and some holding wet pages from my tears but that's a story of other time.

also, i realised flowers on a meet or date isn't my thing. cause my plant collection personality hates the idea of getting flowers. there isn't a way to grow them back and keeping them in the vase isn't of no use either, they'd die. but everyone to his own.