in your arms -KimPorchay

Chapter 01

No, no, no, no, no screamed Porchay's head as he stared at the two lines on the pregnancy test he took 10 minutes ago.

Porchay couldn't believe his fate would play so painfully with him.

It's been one month since Kim left after arguing with Porchay. He had been trying to ignore the pain in his heart ever since.

Sliding down on the wall. Porchay brought his knees to his chest and buried his palm into his eyes. His cries were muffled. He did not want to deal with an explanation at the moment, his head was already all over the place.

There were still two more classes left to attend before he can leave the school. He had no energy to walk or even stand at the moment. He waited for 30 more minutes in the bathroom stall. A few people came and went while he tried to keep quiet to not be heard.

He skipped the last class and went on his way home. He had no idea what he was going to tell Porsche. His brother was working late today doing an extra shift at the bar because they couldn't cover the rent for this month. Porchay started to feel guilty because it was his school trip that Porsche decided to pay for that leaving their budget in shambles.

If it wasn't for that horrible trip last month, he would not have been in this position at this moment. He felt like crying all over again but there were barely any tears left in him for that. He was exhausted for today.

He cannot forget the fleeting touches Kim kept doing throughout the bus ride. The way Kim let him sleep on his shoulder when the hours couldn't pass. Or when at night Kim snuggled into his tent beside Porchay and kissed him all over his body, leaving him hot and breathless.

It was the way Kim touched him with so much trust and possessiveness that Porchay let him do whatever he wanted. Let him savor that moment. The way Porchay whimpered in pleasure, engulfing Kim in his warmth and getting lost in the ecstasy.

He had not regretted that moment but he never wanted to be in this position either which makes him feel so much guilt over what he has done. How much shame he has brought over his brother who was working hard just to fulfill the void their parents left behind. Porsche never made him feel like he was missing anything in life. He made sure to provide Porchay with everything he himself couldn't have and what has he done for his brother. Just becoming a disappointment and a bigger burden on him.

He reached their house and went to his bed directly. A restless sleep took over him after an exhausting day. He dreamt of having his fight with Porsche and then dreamt of being scared and alone somewhere. He didn't know for how long he had been dreaming on and off. He woke up to the sound of his brother unlocking the door and bringing in warm food.

He had not eaten anything since morning brunch. His appetite was wacky but he also needed to eat something.

He saw his brother setting up two bowls and plates for soup and meat. His brother gave him a warm hug that left Porchay feeling further shitty for lying and betraying his brother's love.

He gulped the lump in his throat and gave his brother a warm smile. Porsche did most of the talking, he nodded at all the right moments even though his brain barely comprehended what he said.

"How was your day, Chay?" Porsche asked while stuffing his mouth with the meat.

Porchay's eyes widened and he wrecked around his head to make up some sort of excuse.

"Just the same normal", came his reply, it wasn't the most convincing but he tried to stuff his mouth to avoid speaking.

"I'm just very hungry today", he said to avoid any further suspicion. Porsche took a look at his little brother and then he smiled and patted his head.

"Eat as much as you want, you need good nutrition at your age to grow healthy", Porsche's reply made him feel the lump in his throat all over again. He felt like a disappointment in his own eyes for ruining all of his brother's efforts. But in that moment he just smiled and slowly chewed on his food.

...
The next day couldn't get any harder. First thing in the morning as soon as he entered the school gate he saw Kim with his friends in the parking area, laughing whole heatedly at something. Kim looked like he had absolutely no care in this world as if that breakup never happened or he just loves on too fast with his life.

It broke his heart that he cannot share his worries with him anymore. Or he wonders if Kim would support him in the pregnancy, would he feel excited to become a dad or would he not want to be involved because he is just a teenager as well? Hell, they're both only 17 and have no idea what they'll do with their future. With a baby in the picture, Porchay is not sure if he will be able to go to university.

He walked away from his class feeling heaviness in his heart. More than breakup he needs to think about the thing in his womb. He's still not ready to acknowledge whatever is happening to him. He does not know whether he wanna keep it or not or give up on adoption. He is not sure about anything. He's deeply overwhelmed by all the feelings right now. He needs to focus and prioritize this thing.

Focusing on class was just as harder as everything in life. Later, at the lunch break after he finished eating his brunch his nausea started. He rushed to the bathroom throwing up the very last bit he had eaten not more than 5 minutes ago. He sat with his back to the bathroom door after flushing. He needs to rinse his mouth he cannot bear the bitterness.

When he opened the door and walked out, there was Kim standing at the farthest corner of the sink washing his hands too. Kim stared at Porchay through the reflection of the mirror. Porchay felt insecure, he was in bad shape with dark circles under his eyes and messy hair. It was no help that his lips were chapped after his vomiting session. He rinsed his mouth ignoring the presence of Kim. He tried to focus on himself only.

"Are you okay?", Kim had the audacity to ask him, Porchay only stared at him with his expression turning cold.

"Shouldn't matter to you", came his reply even though he knows Kim was only being polite and he shouldn't be rude to him but he was too angry to look past anything else.

He walked out of the bathroom breathing heavily. If he had stayed one more minute inside he would've crumpled down and bawled his eyes right then and there. And right now he didn't want to be vulnerable in front of Kim.