Vent(s?)

Vent

Not sure what to do with what I'm feeling. I find it difficult to deal with my feelings and I don't want anyone to have to deal with something not even i can deal with. So I harm myself sometimes. Whether it's cutting or swallowing just enough pills to make me feel sick. I just can't deal with the pain I feel. But I will, for Anthony at least. But what will I do when he leaves me? When will he get sick of my jokes, my anxiety, me? Well it's simple. I'll just kill myself. But I don't want him to think it's his fault so I'd wait a few days. In reality I can't blame anyone due to it being my problem. But if I could blame someone? I'd blame my mothers husband, a man who was supposed to be my step father but treated me as if I was a piece of gum on the bottom of his shoe. He hit me a few times over the years but I don't know if it counts as abuse so I don't call the police. I wish I did though. I hate him with every bone in my body. I wish i could kill myself as a big fuck you to him. He's hit me with sticks, toys, and his own hands. But when I was younger I remember him commenting with my body a lot. He even watched me bathe! Yet my mother refuses to leave him no matter how much I beg. I don't know how many times I've almost killed myself because of him. But i know that if i ever kill myself it wont be because of him, like i said i can only blame myself. I'm not sure why I'm writing this to be honest. Like who is gonna read a vent I post on a website meant for fanfics and stories? I mean my life does technically count as a story but it's not a story worth telling. Well who cares? If someone has a problem they can just leave. I don't need anybody and they definitely DON'T need me.

At least I hope nobody needs me.