I Cannot, But I Can // L.S.

one

I was waiting
for something extraordinary to happen
but as the years wasted on nothing ever did
unless I caused it.

- Charles Bukowski

"Don't pull this shit now, you promised."
Louis pinched the bridge of his nose upon hearing those words. He did. He knows he did. And if he could he would go back in time and kick himself in the nuts for promising such thing. He clamped his phone between his ear and his shoulder as he reached for his cigarettes and took one out.

"This has been planned for so long and you agreed. We all agreed Louis, it's nothing big." Except it was. It was a huge thing and he was so not ready to find himself in such a situation. He put the cigarette between his lips and inhaled lightly while holding the flame of the lighter to the tip for a moment. The smells instantly danced around him, relaxing his nerves for a split second. He momentarily threw his head back and mumbled curses under his breath.

"I fucking know, I'm not backing out, you twat." He said, turning his attention back to the person on the other line. "Am just ticked off, that's all." Muttering the last few words incorrectly, he took another drag from the cigarette.

"Get it together. It's just a few days down at the old lake house like back in the days. Besides we text all the time in the group chat, it surely would be nice to have a pint or two and catch up with the lads. For old times' sake."

"Yeah, for fucking old times' sake." Louis muttered under his breath once again.
For old times' sake because the old times were all sunshine and rainbows and everything nice. "Fucking hell Niall, yes I'm agreeing. I'm fucking jet legged, don't you have no empathy." He grumbled at his friend.

"No, not for jack offs who want to cancel on their friends, I don't." Niall bit back from the other line. "It'll be good. I promise." He said after a pause.

Louis face contorted in cringe "Please, stop with the promising shit, I'm already in deep shit as it is." He made too many promises in his life time which he couldn't keep. Some he really wanted to, others a little less.

"Whatever, I'll see you there on Friday. No excuses, Louis." Louis opened his mouth but his friend happened to know him better than that, already having hung up on him.

Louis groaned and stretched his legs out, sliding down in his seat and looking out from his balcony. With the half smoked cigarette in his hand he made a mental note to kick Niall in the nuts as well, not even wanting to think about what was to come or how little he was ready for it.

He was right though, they did text all the time and updated each other every now and then. But texting meant he wouldn't have to face them. Texting meant he wouldn't have to face him.

Over the course of the last few years a lot has changed, they all grew up and grew out of it. They released new music, started touring or took time off, which was long overdue. Louis released a new album and while things have never been so great in his career, he knew that something was missing. He couldn't quite pinpoint the feeling but he knew that something was off.
However, it wasn't necessarily a girlfriend he was missing. Since he broke off his last relationship he felt a sense of freedom he hasn't felt in a long time. It was like finally being able to breathe after holding your breath for a long time.

Louis felt odd. Something in him told him he wasn't staying true to himself, but he didn't know what it was. There were days were everything just felt wrong and it was deeply unsettling. But in spite of that Louis chose to ignore those feelings and concentrated on the positive things that he has got going on.

Because giving into that feeling would mean that they were right. Truth be told he was afraid of what he might find if he kept on digging. With everyone's talk around him he slowly wished to be deaf so he could zone them out and listen to himself for once.