I was five years old when I had my very first crush. I vaguely remember him. I remember the red T-shirt that he always wore and his fair white skin. He was older than me and I was a kindergarten. I remember he sells biscuits together with his other classmates.
Recess was the most exciting time of my day at school knowing I would have an interaction with him. He and his friends will coerce us into buying their goods. They will encircle in front of me, but I only choose what he sells.
I am always shy to approach him and buy something from him. I always wanted him to approach me and offer me his goods first. My parents only gave us 3 coins every day at school, and I always saved them for him.
One day at recess, I had one coin left. He and his friends left our classroom to sell to other kids. I immediately followed them outside.
I was behind them and I was hoping for him to look at me, for the reason that I am shy to call him.
And so he did!
His lips curved. And I couldn't believe I was the reason for that beautiful smile.
"Oh, my friend is here, I know she will buy from me," he said while approaching me. I couldn't think straight. All I know is him beside me, and him calling me his friend. I am aware that he only said that because he wants me to buy from him. And so I did.
That interaction will always be in my heart because that was the first time we had been too close. The fact that he approached me and talked to me, gives butterflies in my stomach. Cliché as it may sound but that's what I felt at that time. I felt like I was the happiest girl alive.
However, I don't remember his face, I don't even know his name. When I moved to first grade, I didn't see him anymore. Maybe he graduated from elementary.
I wonder where he is right now. Have we met again and I didn't notice? Have we gone to the same place?
I know he won't remember me. I bet he had a crush on somebody else at that time, knowing boys his age.
Funny, how we can be nothing to someone, but that someone is something for us.
I doubt that a kindergarten girl has done something special that had stuck in his memory. But wherever he is right now, I hope he is doing well.
I am now an adult, never had a boyfriend, never had any sort of relationship with guys, and never had the same feelings for anyone. Of course, I was attracted to boys when he was gone, but after all these years, the memory of him never leaves my mind. He would just suddenly visit.
He might not know me and I may not remember what he looks like, but I will always remember the smile he put on my face—without him knowing it.
I will always remember my joyfulness and excitement to go to school. I will never forget the first boy who made my little heart leap.
He will always exist... in my memory.
I owe him a part of my joyful childhood.
