So Much (for) Stardust

The Kind of Pain You Feel to get Good in the End

It was morning, bright and loud much like the sounds in Anna’s head. She turned her body around ever so slightly with a groan as the blaring morning rush could be heard from her window. It all sounded like a movie theater with her ear pressed onto a speaker. She repositioned herself, wanting nothing more than the outside noise to stop. A bitter taste remained in her mouth from the night before, only adding to her current state. 

Much to her dismay, however, a sudden knock was heard. It sounded more like banging as she laid sideways, a pillow to her ear as she cried out to the door. 

“Go away!” She turned to face the wall that housed the window, the bustling of morning traffic forcing her to face reality. She slowly sat up with the pounding in her head as she tried to keep her eyes closed. Another knock.

“Anna, it’s me, open up.” A woman’s voice called on the other side of the door. 

Anna had only flopped back as the sound of keys rattling around was heard, followed by the door opening rather loudly.

“Anna, you’re still in bed?” The woman asked as she entered Anna’s room with a soft sigh. 

“Em, stop yelling…” Anna muttered as she held her head. 

“I’m not yelling, why would you- You’re hungover, aren’t you?” Em asked, sitting at the foot of Anna’s bed.

“No. Just tired, Emily.” Anna muttered as Emily stood up to open the curtains. As she did, the bright sunlight flooded the room, making Anna cover her face from the searing light. 

“Too tired to have breakfast?” Emily asked, earning a confused noise from Anna.

“Huh?”

“Breakfast? You know, the most important meal of the day? The meal you said you’d want to have with me today? Ringing any bells?” Emily asked, crossing her arms at her friend with a minor huff. She knew her friend well enough to know that, when she was hungover, her memory would often be both of their worst enemies. She also knew that her friend was having a rough time, and when Anna was struggling, she would turn to drinking. 

Meanwhile, Anna sat there silent until suddenly the memory of her and Emily’s plans arose in her mind much like a Phoenix rising from intoxicated ashes.

“Shit!” She exclaimed as Emily nodded ever so slightly.

“Come on, get bathed. I’ll grab your clothes and get you some water.” 

Anna carefully stood up as her legs felt like jelly and the room seemed to spin ever so slightly. Carefully, she made her way to her bathroom to shower only when she turned on the light, the flash made her sick.

“Emily, did you bring any aspirin?” She called as her friend walked into the doorway with a white bottle of pills ready. Anna wasted no time taking the chalky items with some water from the sink to wash them down. She had almost forgotten Emily was still standing there with a look on her face that Anna knew all too well.

“Can you not look at me like that?” 

“Like what?” Emily asked feigning confusion.

“Like that. I have a mom, Em, and I hear it enough from her.”

“Clearly you don’t. If you did, you’d stop doing this to yourself.”

“Fuck you.” 

As the words fell onto Emily’s ears she stood for a moment contemplating leaving but she knew Anna didn’t have too many people in her life to care for her. She let out a small breath and hugged her friend tightly.

“Get showered, okay?” Emily left the doorway and Anna made it a point to close the door as she made her way to shower. As she was bathing, she let the water hit her in hopes of sobering up just a bit. It helped a little but not enough. 

An hour had gone by and the girls were in Emily’s car driving to the restaurant for their planned meal. The ride itself was mostly quiet, save for the faint music from the radio. Anna would complain that it was too loud and Emily would roll her eyes with a light chuckle.

“Aspirin still hasn’t fully kicked in yet, has it?”

Now it was Anna’s turn to roll her eyes, groaning as she lowered the volume on the radio.

“Guess that’s a no.” Emily sighed as she continued to drive, “So you ever gonna tell me what happened?”

“Hm?” Anna responded as Emily gave her a side glance.

“The drinking? Did you visit Maverick’s club again, or were you just home?” 

Anna sighed, repositioning herself as best as she could in a car.

“I had a long day at the salon, so I had a drink. Then another. And another. You know, the usual.” She said with a shrug. 

Emily let out another sigh as they pulled into the parking lot of IHOP, not fully sure how to reply to her friend. When they parked, Emily unbuckled to reposition herself to look at Anna. Her friend was once vibrant, curly dark hair, eyes full of life, a smile that could once light up any space. Now, she saw a husk of what Anna used to be. Only the dark rings under her eyes and baggy clothes were able to mask this version of Anna. She felt the pain in her friend, but knew better than to push. Anna took notice of her friend starring, making her release a noise similar to a car sputtering. 

“What?” Anna asked with annoyance in her eyes.

“Nothing. Let’s just go eat okay?”

Anna nodded as she unbuckled herself and exited the car, the sunlight making her squint slightly. Emily followed suit, locking the car in the process and with that the subject of Anna’s state was dropped.

The two were seated rather quickly with coffee ordered for both of them. When the drinks arrived, the food was ordered and Anna sat with her chin on the table as she looked up at her best friend. Emily was someone who Anna admired as a friend and in regard to her appearance. Long ginger hair with dark roots, a shade paler than Anna when Anna was healthy, and a slender frame. She often dressed like a manic pixie dream girl in a movie.

The type that would often be found working inside a bookstore or an independent record shop.

“Whatcha thinking about?” Emily asked, noticing her friend staring. Anna shrugged ever so slightly before pushing herself up.

“Life, I guess?” She replied softly earning a nod from Emily that signaled for her to continue

“I’m wondering…how did I get here, with the drinking I guess? When did it start? Do I really deserve a friend like you in my life? That kind of stuff.” 

Emily nodded as it became clear to her Anna was sobering up and speaking truthfully. She knew Anna would drink to forget but it would often turn into a moment of philosophical realization. 

With Anna however, the alcohol would only add to the sadness she felt. She didn’t fully understand why she did this to herself. The only thing she did know was how much she wanted it to end.

All of it