Memento Mori

God's Faith

"God, are you there? God, please answer me!" I shout, tears streaming down my face as I look out the window, my knees aching. I sniffle, waiting for a sign to be shown, but got only children's laughter from outside the window, and another knot in my stomach.

 I get up from my now sore knees, as I throw the rosary angrily down onto the bed, marching into the bathroom where I lock myself in, slumping down onto the floor, starting to sob uncontrollably.

 "God, where are you? My mother is dying from cancer, and you aren't even answering me!" Before my grief worsened, my phone started to ring. Checking who the caller was, the familiar name of 'Mom' popped up onto the screen. I gave a quick, slight smile, knowing that her voice always seemed to soothe me in my time of sorrow. I sniffled, wiping my eyes, answering shortly after. "Mom, hello. How are you feeling? Did the test go okay?" Her breathing was deep, and when she spoke, her voice was raspier than normal.

 "It all went fine, sweetheart," She responded weakly. "I wanted to check in with you, and see how you were doing. Something told me to call you, and to just check up on you."

 I smiled, but the conversation with God that I had moments ago didn't seem to register as a reminder to me. "I've been feeling okay, just praying for you, as usual." I could feel her smile."You're a good daughter, Joe. A wonderful, blessed daughter of mine," her voice softened to the point that it soothed my sorrow, just like I thought it would. There was a pause on the other end of the line. I got a bit worried.

 "Mother? Are you okay?" I asked quickly, trying not to show worry in my voice. I could hear her sigh heavily, and then a slight sniffle emerged from the other line.

 "Joe, you have to realize that my time to go is very soon, and there's nothing you can do about it, except pray that I go peacefully," Another moment of silence. "I love you, Joe. So, very much," She then adds one last thing, "Life is treacherous, but you're not the only who must pretend."

 My eyes were watering, I couldn't control my overwhelming emotions, and quickly said, "I love you, too." Before ending the call, bursting into tears once again. "And that's the price for what we learn," I whispered to myself slowly as I laid on the cold ground. "The more we know, the more we yearn."

 My phone begins to ring again. It is my mother, once again. I quickly answer, not caring to hide my pain in my voice, this time. "Hello? Mother?" I could hear someone clearing their throat in the background. A voice began to talk, and I suddenly realized that it was not my mother.

 "Joe, your mother... She had passed away right after you ended the call with her. I'm very sorry. She loved you very much, Joe." The person's voice didn't seem to matter, as every word they spoke that I never wanted to hear was finally coming true. A nightmare. I didn't speak. I didn't even dare to breathe. All I wanted to know was if God was listening, and realize how much pain I was feeling, how he put me through all of this without any support whatsoever. I hung up, not wanting to hear the voice that announced my mother's death to me.

 I did not cry. I did not weep. I just sat there, leaning against my bedside, fingering the rosary that were in my hands. Disbelief filled my mind. I didn't want to feel. I didn't want to breathe. I didn't want to live. I was done... Until something touched my shoulder.

 I was startled, looking upwards to see a bright light behind me, that oddly did not burn my eyes as I stared into it. Inside it, I could make out a face oh, so familiar. The Lord and savior, Jesus Christ, himself.

 I grasped the rosary tightly in my palms, shuffling to my feet, speechless, yet again. The only thing I could do was to be amazed that The Father was standing right in front of me.

 "My child," he started, "I would never abandon you. I was listening to everything you were saying." This got me enraged.

 "But you did not speak to me! You did not bat an eye as you watched my mother die! My belief in my faith is like a rock, it isn't going anywhere." I could feel my body tensing up. I could see Jesus frown, holding out both of his arms, as if awaiting a hug.

 "You are my lamb. My precious lamb," Again, he laid a hand on my shoulder. For some reason, I did not want to move, or protest against it. "Sometimes God and I have to reject prayers being sent to us." He looked down, with pain in his eyes. "I did not want your mother to die, and I know how much you didn't want her to, either... But it was her time." I looked down, not being able to fight against his statement, but to tell about my problems to him.

 "Sometimes I wonder how belief alone can cut me free from sin." A tear escaped my eye, trickling down my cheek. Jesus then embraced me with a warm hug, and in that instant, everything seemed to feel... Fine. I finally gave in, my melancholy seeming to disappear at the moment he touched me, and for the first time since I heard the news about my mother, I smiled, my faith restored, at last.