The Last Letter | Nikolai Lantsov (one shot / short story)

The Last Letter

Dear Nikolai,

Let me begin this letter by saying, I am sorry.
You might be confused, why am I saying sorry, as you might not remember who I am.
So let me walk you through the memory lanes.

I remember the first time we met.
How you were so young, and full of hope.
With love for your country on your heart.
And hunger to see the world on your eyes.

I remember seeing your golden hair glowed as you entered the dim tavern.
You felt so familiar even back then.
But I wondered why a young man such as you entering an old tavern in the middle of a broken city such as Ketterdam.

I remember your smug smile like you owned the place.
A young greenie, challenging everyone inside the small tavern.
But I must say your confidence was your greatest strength.
Good thing I pulled you out from death just in time.
I asked you why you were so eager to create chaos.
You said a little fun wouldn't hurt anyone.
I almost smacked you myself just to made you realized how insane you were.
But your sheepish grin tugged my heart.

We exchanged secrets that night.
At a rooftop of a crooked building near the pier.
Something about you got my tongue loose.
You made it so easy for me to feel safe.
Something that my world could never gave me.

You told me about how you worry for the fate of your home.
I told you, you do not need to carry the burden on your shoulders alone.
Since I would devote myself to take off that weight from you.

But you were being you.
You said if you could cheat death tonight, you could certainly brought a nation back to its feet again.
And in that moment, I knew you would be the greatest leader Ravka could ever have.
Even with ego such as yours.

But that was the reason why my heart chose you.
Because even when the world was bleak and dark and full of terrors.
You were sparkling with colours.
So bright you lightened up all the hopes that once lost.
Even the sun was too shy to rise when you stared at it that early dawn.

I remember the first time you brought me into your ship.
I told you I never fond of ships since my parents died in one.
You then gave me a single pearl, said that it could bring me good luck and protect me if I ever found myself at the sea.
I told you I never believed in superstition.
Monsters could lurk in a form of a man.
You told me I do not need my fear when you were around.

The thing was, the only fear I had when I was with you was to lose you.
Another thing was, how much the small pearl meant to me.
A seemingly insignificant thing, but held a thousand meanings for me.
I kept it as a pendant on my necklace.
So I could keep you closed to my heart.

Spending my summer with you had been the best time of my life.
The once desolated city was glowing with your light.
And for once, I thought the world could be kind.

I remember you ran around the small alleys with your hand held tight onto mine.
With your laughs echoed between the tall walls.
I thought I could never see the day I would actually taste happiness again.
I thought I could never hear my own laugh again.
But you proved me wrong.

Oh how you proved a lot of things were wrong.
Like how you helped me see the beauty in life again.
Or how I could escape from my grief.
Something that I would forever grateful.
Because if it was not because of you, I would stuck in sorrow for the rest of my days.

I remember the moon shone from the windows of your quarterdeck.
I remember you took me by my waist and held me close.
I thought dancing with the prince was only reserved for the princesses.
But you made me feel like I was one.

I remember your kiss.
I remember the brandy on your tongue.
I remember your fingertips on my skin.
I remember the way you wrote your name on my back using your lips.
I remember the way you whispered my name like a sacred prayer.
I remember your eyes.
Gold, with sparks of green.
The dancing between the Earth and the Sun.

How you were glorious.

I never believed in Saints before.
But if it was my choice, I would make you my Saint.
You told me I was the first one who could move your heart.
I told you, you were the only one who could make my heart beating again.

You asked me to join your journey understanding the world.
I told you I was bound to my duty.
But I must tell you now how I wish I would have agreed to you.
But you knew I could not.
Beyond duties, I knew I could never be with you.

I left too many blood on my trail.
That was what life as a spy granted me.
I could never let my sins touched you.
My enemies were not your enemies.
My demons were mine to fight alone.
So I had to leave.

Hence the apology.

I am sorry I did not say anything when I left you.
I am sorry that you had to wake up alone.
I knew if I said anything I would never be able to leave.
Because I would do anything, if you said it with your eyes.

But our paths never meant to stay together.
You knew we were never meant to be together.
You knew we could never force our stars to align.

I am sorry I could not keep my promise to stay on your side.
I am sorry I could not keep my promise to fight for you.
I am sorry I could not be with you when you were at your weakest.
I am sorry I could not be the one who saved you, just like the way you saved me.

Unlike her.

I am glad you are with her now.
I know how happy you are now.
I see how you look at her.
And how she looks at you.
And I am happy for you, from the bottom of my heart.

Hence this letter.

With this letter, I said my final good bye and good wishes to you.
And I want to return this pearl that you gave me once.
Because I feel like I commit a crime if I keep my memories of you.
And I know I am not one for you to protect anymore.

Be happy, Nikolai.

Be joyous.

Be glorious.

Keep shining like the sunshine that you are.

---

She put the letter on the desk, on his private study.

A red stamp with a dried rose petal sealed the letter. Her special signature.

A necklace with a small pearl as its pendant wrapped around the letter.

She stared at the letter for a moment, before she heard a footstep approaching.

A familiar step that she could never forget.

She snuck out through the window. But she stayed just to see him for the last time.

He recognized the scent as soon as he entered his study. Cold ran down his spine. But before he could react, the pearl necklace along with the letter on his desk caught his eyes.

He opened the letter and scanned through it.

As soon as he finished, he ran to the window, only to be greeted by the night, and the smell of red rose lingered in the air.